Diary? Idk..

I might delete this..

Hey..

You've read the title I might delete this but I just needed to say something

I've been staying up till 5-6am every night

I've been crying every night and morning

I've been self harming

I've been numbing myself

I've stopped eating and taking care of myself

I've stopped asking people how they are

I've stopped answering calls

I've stopped helping others

I've stopped messaging people unless they message me

I've stopped wishing

I've stopped hoping

I've stopped being normal..

I feel awful all the time

Every. Single. Thing. Makes me want to cry and breakdown

Thinking about dealing with all of this is just making me cry so apologises if I spell things wrong

I feel like I'm dying

But I'm barley surviving as it is

I haven't done work for god knows how long

I've stopped handing things in

Nothings interesting anymore

They only safe place is locked up in my room

Where nobody has to see me

Being a fucking messed up let down

And I don't have to see anyone

I feel so different and I hate myself

I try my best to hide it but it's becoming obvious

But nobody's noticed?

...

I-

...

Not even my teachers.. and i stopped handing in work a week after this all started

Not even my close friends..

But then I remember

Why should they?

Why should they notice and care about me when I stopped noticing and caring

When should they care because this is all just in my head and I'm being over dramatic and a fucking fess up

Why should they care because they have way worse problems than I have..

They have way way way worse problems Than me

And I want to lie around all day being lazy. Being an excuse of a human?!

And I want to claim I'm sad because I have bad days

No

I need to shut up- I need to learn

I don't deserve people to notice. I don't deserve help. Everyone has it worse and I just need to shut up and accept it.

They do so much. They work. They take care of siblings. Put up with awful parents. Do chores. Help each other.

And they have their own problems

Why should they notice me?

Hm?

All this pain

Tears whatever

There probably fake

But what if their not?! And I'm scared I'm really scared

What's wrong with me why am I like this what happened why can I smile anymore I just want to be happy but I can't-

...

Why does everything hurt?

I just want to be ok..

I just want to be ok

I want to wake up and smile

I can't tell if it's in my head or it's real and I'm scared

I just want

To be

Ok

I want to smile..

What's wrong with me?

I don't know..

And they days are just gunna keep repeating till I'm dead or I finally fix myself..

Thanks for listening? Have a good day..