Diary? Idk..

Overwhelming

I was alone..

The clock ticking and the fan making background noise

I just started crying

I was finally alone.. so alone

I let myself go, I let myself feel properly and cry it out, I let myself talk and I rambled for an hour strait

It was so overwhelming but I needed it

There is so much fucked up shit right now

Problem after problem I'm sick ridden with guilt

Maybe one day it can be better

I sat and told them things could be better

But I didn't believe what I was saying- I hope for one fucking minuet they believed me

Even now as my dad sleeps I feel alone

I enjoyed being alone

But it filled with me fear

Overwhelming thoughts and questions flooded my brain that I couldn't escape

I was drowning and choking on my own cry's as I cried and mumbled explanations for how I felt into existence

None of them made me feel better

I am practically still a child.

I know my Nan only has 10-20 years left

I know that I will grow up never knowing how it felt to hug my mum or the memories I'm barley grasping onto

I don't even remember right now.

I know that I will grow up with the guilt and the fear of the secrets that even now I keep secret.

I know that I can't be 'normal'...

Oh god how I wish I could just have my mum back

I'm trying to write everything down but my fingers can't keep up with my brain

The familiar blocked feeling of trapped cry's in my throat

I have so much to say and I can't say it

It hurts so much

Im shaking cold

But everything's burning away around me

Overdrive emotions that are ruthlessly seeking pain

Every attempt

I'm cold to the touch but my heart isn't fully numb

I push you away and torture myself, I find it amusing how I'm the one breaking myself now

A smart innocent child

I wonder where it all went wrong

Was it when I face planted concrete?

That damaged me pretty well

Was it when my cat died? My friend left? My parents split? The bully? The funerals I went to? What he did?

Just to clear that up I'll write a chapter on it when I'm ready because I need to talk about it but I wasn't sxuly assulted.

When did everything change?

What happened to the old happy girl?

She's really gone isn't she..?

Well.. maybe one day I'll be okay

But for now I'll auto pilot with the occasional breakdown and overdrive..

Adios..