Diary? Idk..

I dont want to know

If it gets worse than this

Which it can

I don't want to know

I don't want to feel that

I'm not quite to the suicidal point yet

But when I will I don't want to feel that

I can't even handle it now

I won't be able to handle it then..

It's so similar

That why I couldn't do anything

Think of an answer. Or a solution. Quick!

But I couldn't..

I failed myself

I can't even hear the music

I just hear ringing in my head

Crying with no emotion

I can feel the tears but there not by my control

I can feel the pain

I can feel my heartbeat

Such a precious thing..

If your heart stops you stop..

It's a scary thought

But it's okay

I can't keep this up

I can't keep up the act

And I remember when I wanted to be an actor

I could close my eyes but that leaves me with the pounding in my head

And the thoughts

I hate feeling like this

I just want it to stop

It never stops

It's just an endless torture

Maybe one day I'll breathe, happy..

But for now I have to suffer

I don't understand why.. I don't understand what I did to deserve this

I just want it to be over

And I'm scared of how deep this is going

Scared of how low I'm getting

I don't think I can't get out of this

I don't know what to do

I don't feel this

I should be sad

Worried

I'm not

I'm just existing

I don't want to exist if I have to feel like this

But I don't exactly want to not exist..

I could just shut myself off from the world