Diary? Idk..

Dear diary

A series

One series

A series that meant quite a bit to me

Got cancelled after we were promised a season 2

I don't know what to write

It's a show

Why does it matter?

I really want help.. I'm desperate

But I just can't do it

I have plans to go speak to a certain teacher when we get back to school- if I can..

I just need an adult to take me seriously

I need something more than counciling or stupid teens in crisis

But no the only way to get help is if you try to fucking kill yourself and fail

Now I'll be honest

I'm not brave enough

Not because I'm not willing

Because I don't want to hurt people

And to be honest I want to live and help someone else.. I don't want someone to feel the way I do

I've already tried to help and failed so I guess il just have to keep trying

I'm feeling better I guess

Just the occasional bad moment that spirals

I can't even cut untill I get this Barry island trip out of the way

Because I'll most likely be in a swimsuit

And bare skin and me don't have a good history

I can wear shorts to cover the one on my leg. That doesn't matter

I don't even know if I'm ready

There's gunna be other people there- guys- men.. I'm sure none of them are bad but I don't know that..

It would be fine if my smart ass hadn't had brought it up with someone to try and let it go and realise that it wasn't my fault

And I really want to cut right now

But I also don't

I just don't want to risk it..

And I don't really need too..

I think I'm just gunna cry tonight out

Which means I'm gunna get a lovely headache

-also

I'm gunna try update everyday so I can read when and why my moods change

Soo..

Day 1; dear diary, i might be able to do this