Diary? Idk..

Im choosing to forget what - did..

I took this down because I was ashamed

I'll probably end up taking it down again..

Seriously before we start this has already been delt with.. this was a couple years ago and it's over.

Trigger warning: I don't want to admit this but I guess it's a form of sexual assault.. I'm still a v-rgin so.. that's the extent..

"Game"

The "game"

I was Young.. I had no idea what consent was and what-

Fuck this hard to talk about..

And what body parts were properly private

He would do things he shouldn't. It never got far because I always made an excuse

It was only really touching and that was all

I don't consider it a 'valid' assault because I could've done more.. I could've told someone.. I could've done something but I didn't know

I've moved on.. it's been delt with and I don't have to face it again.. I told someone and it was sorted..

It just still scares me.. I hate it when any man stares near any part that is sensitive because it reminds me what happened.. I try my best to always cover up and wear jumpers.. I think it's part of the reason I prefer girls over guys when it comes to sexuality.. maybe that's just preference..

The hardest part is I still see him.. I know people who know him

When he hugs them.. when he smiles at me while anyone's around i hate it

I almost told someone who knows him once- even now I fear I'm saying too much. He doesn't live near me though.. trains away thankfully.. I'm just scared that someone I know will find out who did it and be disgusted

I mean everyone's probably already disgusted..

Especially if they know him and me.. if they get angry.. and confront him

I think that would be living hell

Yes I am ashamed. Yes I hate myself.

But I'm over it.. it happened..

I have so much to say.. I just can't say it..

I remember wearing certain clothes.. I thought it would stop if I did that..

I was scared of him..

I'm just glad it's over.. this was almost 5 years ago

As I said.. don't worry, it was dealt with.

Just needed to get rid of some guilt..

It almost made me want to be a boy.. maybe then if I was a boy then people wouldn't look.. (regardless of gender)

Also whenever a male hugs me or touches me from behind I always think "fuck- get ready to defend yourself if you need to" or I question there intentions

I feel so guilty over it..

I'm just glad I was never r@p-d

So yeah.. if you know me in real life please do not bring this up in person.. I'm ashamed enough as it is and I don't want your sympathy or shame..

So.. there we go..