Diary? Idk..

I cant.. so ill say it like this:

Jesus..

Such a bad person

Broke so many rules today

Many punishments.

Your lucky you don't have your blade.

We both know it wouldn't end well

And you can't be trusted either.

You let it slip

You fucked up. You need to learn.

Scorn me like a child..

But I'm not a child..

Yeah I desrve whatever you see fit

Since you control me and held me captive in my own head

Do you worst and we'll see who ends up dead

But without me you don't exsist.

You suffocate me and push me

Play to my insecurities and push my boundaries

How dare you?

I don't have the strength to fight you anymore

A soldier with a battle wound

If I keep fighting I'll die

But if I don't I'm just going to suffer

I don't want to accept anybody's help

Why would they even care?

They wouldn't

...

I dipped my foot in, to feel the reality, you stood behind me watching me play with it. But I slipped. You pushed me into the drowning black mess. You put my here.. your prisoner. I'm sick. I'm ill. But not physically. Others try to help, they tempt fate just like I did. When they reach in for me they get pulled in too.

An inescapable torture, pain that numbs you, swallows you whole. You deny that it's going on, you tell yourself your fine. So it consumes you more, eating away at your energy and strength, it feeds off your negative thoughts which grow to tumours on your brain, it abuses you and uses you to thrive like a disease. When you finally give in it doesn't just stop. Your now facing the reality of it head on. Most of the time alone. Meanwhile you have to act like everything's fine. Seem okay to everyone and help them fight their demons, you know their getting close to the breakpoint almost past that certain point.. where you are. You don't want them to feel like that so you poor your effort into making sure their okay. By now it's in control again, you believe the lies and it's a constant up and down of different emotions, then the numbing starts.. you stop feeling, emotions.. the cuts on your arm don't hurt as much anymore and you become suppressed to everything.

So your stuck

You have options, death seems the only appealing, but if your survived you couldn't live with the guilt. There's so much to say. But then you get angry. It's not everyone else who is in your head suffering it's you- why should they be upset if you die? They didn't have to suffer (they did with their own demons but not the point rn..) so you can't do that, so your stuck suffering, wondering how far it'll go until your fully crack, breakdown and crumble.

Your shattering, picking up the pieces off the mask but you can't carry them all, you know it can't be long until it kills you but you can't do it anymore. Your promise them. But fuck it. There not in your head.

Your physical health is dipping too, between crying sleeping and trying to feel something, you have no motivation for anything.

So you say goodbye

And your dad wakes up to your dead body

...

I had to get that out.. I've been thinking about it for days and I barley scratched the surface.. I'm sorry.. and Thankyou if you actually read that mess