Diary? Idk..

So much for a f**king break

The same day I decided to have a break my step mum was decided that she needed surgery

She had surgery the next morning removing her appendix, it burst when being removed so she had to have drains or whatever

My dad visited the hospital lots and then when he brought her home to her house me and him went and stayed over at her house so we could take care of her

My brothers away on a holiday.. lucky..

I've been alone in the flat roughly 13 hours everyday

I mean I like it sometimes.. but never in my life have I felt so alone

I relapsed because there was nothing stopping me and now I have a blade back in my possession I'm playing down a dangerous path

I've only done it once and probably gone a bit too far but it happened..

I almost feel like I'm being ignored- which is fair I mean my step mums in a lot of pain and she needs support right now

I was thinking earlier if my dad said that I couldn't feel tired because he had more on his plate then me I would've said "can you stop f**king comparing your feelings to mine constantly?! It is two completely different things and just because your an adult doesn't mean your feelings are worse or more important then mine!" But he never said anything

He doesn't say anything..

He just cooks then once he's eaten he goes to his room

Which is fair.. he's tired

I don't know why I feel so alone-

Fuck..

I've got back into the habit of not eating much..

Only eating tea..

I'm getting used to the hunger and the sickening feeling it gives me

Sometimes I eat breakfast.. but it's like once every week

It's going to be so hard going back to school

I'm gunna break all over again and I'm not ready for it

Everything's fine

I know it's not I just don't know how to say it anymore

I mean everyone's probably sick of my sh*t

Which is fair..

I feel like I'm constantly overwhelmed

100 emotions in one and I'm still punishing them away

School wants to put me back on that shitty counciling. It won't work because I'm not going to open up easily. Especially not to someone like a school councillor

But then again I've already made plans to ask my new tutor if I can go see a certain someone when school starts again. I didn't speak to them at all, they told me I could come by their office anytime

But after the-

After the blade thing..

I defiantly think I wanna see them when we get back

I'm kinda scared

I am losing control of everything

So the 'toxic' habits controlling sleep- water- food and forcing myself to work on edit projects

S'all deciding to come back

And obviously trying to talk to dad didn't go well

I don't even know why I bothered I got no where and all it's done is distance us

He keeps buying small things though, like random presents

I think he likes seeing me smile with each new mysterious gift each one sparking my creativity and lighting the flame of motivation

I mean he even got me clay- I'll probably make a cat or smthn

And there was the thunder too-

I hate thunder and the lights kept going out, I hid under the table with music on

I unplugged things and turned off some of the lights

Shit gets scary when your all alone in the dark

Another thing to complain about- my physical health

Weights dropped again, bags under my eyes are just getting darker, my hair doesn't wanna stay on my head- loves falling out, my lips keep bleeding because their cracked and my lovely skin is as pale as ever

I'm trying to write every emotion I'm feeling down

It's not working

There's something more-

I don't know what it is but I can almost feel it

I'm drowning in the lovely black ocean. Poison suffocating me and plaguing my lungs. Bitter medicine to drown out the headaches. The times when I feel like I'm being chocked- can't breathe just say there smiling while tears threaten my brain with every word I'm trying to say.

The nightmare! Maybe that's the feeling-

In the nightmare I was looking for something, a small object that was at my mums house and on the way there I hugged a girl who I used to know in primary school but I never talk to and don't rlly know or like

Strange dreams- I don't really remember it to be honest

"When you dream of finding something, you may actually be coming into contact with some aspect of yourself. You may have repressed this part of your psyche, but may find it in a dream."

Repressed? Why do I hear that a lot-

Here we go again..

Time to be happy and help someone

I guess this is goodbye for now

Adios..