Diary? Idk..

And pain its consuqense (day 2)

Instead of saying negative things I'm gunna make them into a voice so when I read back I know what's what

So.. I missed a day oops-

Got invited to a friend's mum's surprise tea party, I went and everything went okay, we set each other's tics off, and my attention span didn't want to stay in one place, my anxiety was trying to fuck with me but I was okay

We're you okay? As I recall i reminded you of every fess up, just for you. You were awkward, obnoxious and loud. You knew you shouldn't have gone.

So I got home and relaxed, tried to ease the nerves or at least distract myself, obviously I can push emotions away so I let go and let myself

Panic attack. Panic attack. Panic attack. And you faced it on your own. Little pathetic child is learning

I didn't have a panic attack asshole.. just felt emotions, just got a little overwhelmed that's all

Get on with it.

Sorry

So that was alright, then I decided to play my ukulele and made a voice channel so if anyone wanted to listen the could, I ended up signing and people started joking- I started to freak out-

You freaked out because you know you sound awful. They lie to you because they pity you.

- .. then I started editing and talking to a mate, reassured someone, helped someone, genuine stuff 

Your not the hero. You know you aren't you monster. Even just saying all this makes you bad because you know negativity effects people. It's basic 101 emotions.

Maybe your right.. but I'm certainly not a monster..

Okay then, what happened earlier?

I lashed out and hurt someone..

Why?

I was angry

Did they deserve it?

No.. of course not

See. You call yourself a hero and 'help people' but your self destructive habits and negativity rub off on other people, they start thinking the way you do. Start thinking this exact sentence. You corrupt people. You lash out and hurt them for no reason. I'm pretty sure it's clear now.

Mhm..

What about the one you keep lying to? Y'know the one you've hurt the most?

I lie to them to protect them.. I don't want them to be the way I am.. I keep emotions and anger from them because I don't want to remind them of the past. I'm trying my best but honesty isn't always the way.

Is it not?

I don't know..

You really are a hypocrite. Tsk tsk tsk. And I see your listening to the song you used to drown out intrusive thoughts when you flipped your shit and went weirdo crazy mode for two days.

Don't bring that up. I've had enough of old shit being dragged up..

Your not in the position to be making commands. Remember who's been here while nobody else has.

I know.. I'm sorry..

Good. Just remember who's been there for you

I do.. which is why you can't stay