Diary? Idk..

I...

I don't know what to do anymore..

One minuet I'm set on removing myself from my friends lives and being alone with my own thoughts, cutting of everyone

Then the next I feel sorry for myself?

I just want to be ok...

I'm drowning

My whole body aches

My head is pounding

And my arms is fucked beyond the point of no return

I almost like the pain..

Because I can feel it

I don't think anyone close to me understands that

Pain is calming.. punches or cutting

I like the pain and the burn

I like it because I can feel it and I know what it feels like

I think I'm doing all of this because two people

One I'm attached to and the other I can't drop or get rid of

I have no fucking clue who I am anymore

I joke around and say I identify as a lesbian potato

But it feels awful on some days- I'm not trans because I don't feel like that everyday and most of the time I like being female

And my fucking sexuality

Jesus Christ

I'm either bi, lesbian or pan

Sometimes I'm a bi stereotype and other times idk what I am

Jesus it's all confusing

My friend says maybe it's gender fluid

But like I don't wanna label it- and I'm not talking about non binary I just genuinely don't wanna put a label on something I don't understand or not sure if it's permanent

Well.. I guess I just gotta take more care of myself?

I feel like I'm going insane- like that time I did at school and I went really weird and I couldn't sit still or remove the thoughts and my skin felt like it was crawling with bugs (intrusive thoughts)

I sleep late

I don't like eating I've lost my appetite

And every other basic human need is a massive chore

I wish my family understood that

Like oh I'm sorry I didn't realise you were a trained fucking doctor

There's nothing wrong with me anyway I'm just coming down from everything that's changed

Jesus I hate change

From my experience with my mum change can only mean bad things

So like almost moving to Leicester

School stopping

Lack of human contact when I used to hug people everyday

Being ok to completely losing it

Is it selfish that I want people to notice?

I mean it is because my friends have bigger problems then me fussing about things changing too much

It just wish they would notice.. ask me if I'm ok then tell me to be honest..

I try and do it with other people when we talk because I know it sucks for nobody to notice

It's stupid I'll probably forget it it doesn't matter anyway

Have a good day morning evening life idk