Carlo

Chapter 21

Dear Journal?

Lately I've been feeling okay. Almost too okay. There are still days when I suffocate under the pressure of being me and days when I drown in the waves of not feeling like myself.

But still most days I catch myself unconsciously smiling at my reflection and laughing at the small things again. Even the once seemingly endless thoughts have been awfully silent.

Yet I can't seem to scratch away the feeling that they have only stopped to catch their breath long enough to yell even louder. Because somehow, deep down I know that this is only the calm before the storm.

The deafening silence before you feel the ache of an explosion. I just wonder how long this one will last.

How long before the darkness creeps it's way back up into my life and everything engulfs me in the familiar warmth of its arms.

So goodbye for now,

Amore, xx

Its surprisingly been three months now since I've been living with the Knights. Everyday I have written in this journal, whether it be a poem, a small paragraph, or a letter up to three or more pages long.

I have been on a few missions since being here and I'm grateful for that. Carlo has been forcing Rico away from me and has been extra careful with me since I told him everything.

He's also stopped with the girls he would bring over. It went from one every two days, to two every week to now none.

We haven't thought about the marriage and honestly we've not really cared for it. We're going on a mission tonight since we have found out the same guy from the mall, Ramon, will be there and has put a bounty on our heads.

It's actually really funny.

But I get to race tonight and that makes me happy. Carlo said he's going to be in the car with me just in case. I don't know what he expects from me, I'm just going to race and win money.

Who doesn't love money?

I close my journal and hide it in my pillow case before walking downstairs into the kitchen where Rose is.

"Morning Mama Bear" I announce as I sit down at the kitchen counter.

"Morning" She smiles and passes me a plate of sandwiches.

I've been working on my eating and body positivity for a while now. I'm starting to gain a little weight which is good because my ribs aren't as noticeable anymore as Rose says.

But I don't like it. It's unusual.

"I'm going to take Isabella shopping. Make sure you eat today" She speaks hastily as she picks up her handbag to leave.

I smile.

A smile masks everything.

"I will"

She waves goodbye and walks out of the kitchen.

I didn't lie. I will eat. I'll eat until I can't anymore. Until I feel like I'm going to explode. Until there's nothing left in the kitchen. I'll eat. Until the number on the scale has risen so much it can't anymore.

And then I'll go to the bathroom, and as I splash water on my face and the cold porcelain of the water touches my skin. As the feeling of fullness leaves my body with every heave I'll reset.

I'll watch the number on the scale go back to what it was. And start over.

So yes, I'll eat. But once i start I feel like I'll never stop.