Winterfalcon Oneshots | OhHelloFandoms123

90 | My Healing Needed More Than Time

A/N: This is orginally on my AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30690599

Words: 5k

Summary: Panic attacks were a real pain for Sam, a real pain. Bucky was there, every time. Sam needs some good self-care.

MIDNIGHT - A HOTEL
Sam frowned at the wall. His adrenaline was pumping, he wrung his hands together. He hated nightmares. They plagued his mind. His blood was boiling. It was in the middle of the night and they were in a motel. Barnes was awake, back facing Sam as he heard the harsh and angry breathing coming from Sam. 

He didn't dare move. Sam was hurting, badly. He was shaking, badly. His head was aching, pounding like it was searching for an answer. He could still hear Riley's last words ringing in his head. I'm falling - guys, I can't see – He noticed a shift in the darkness in the room as Bucky turned towards him, his eyes were still fixated on the wall.

Sam felt like the world was caving in, just hurting, hurting. His stomach twisted, his chest hurt, his body was shaking. The world was caving in. He couldn't breathe. 

He just watched the darkness grow in the musty motel room and the thoughts are creeping back in. The pain. Grief. Anger. 

He sunk into himself, he just wanted to disappear. He can't take anything anymore. The stress was too much. A simple drink won't fix it. Time won't heal this wound. This wound sent shock to his heart, this wound sent Sam into a world of pure darkness. Nothing more, nothing less. Just that. Just the anxious feeling that he could lose everything, that he was still angry at Barnes - the feeling of flying and never being able to catch Riley. Just up there to watch. Watch the pain, watch and standby as Walker had the shield – 

"You okay?" He snaps out of his trance of anxiety. He hears Bucky move up so he's sitting upright. Sam takes a shaky breath that worries Barnes to his core.

"No," Sam admitted, he bit his lip to stop himself from crying. He has to keep his guard up, for his family. For himself...He has to keep up his walls. He has to –
"Sam?" He asked again, moving closer.

"I feel like the whole world is against me." He paused, as the bedight flickered on. "Sometimes," he sees his shadow on the wall. He sees Bucky's shadow and his whole body went cold. He finally turns to Bucky, tears bubbling in his eyes. He could feel the waterworks threatening to come out. The walls, he had to keep them up. He can't be vulnerable. Not when he has a family to protect, a legacy. A new life. He has to keep the walls up – "why?" James asked softly.

Sam frowned again, his face twitched in anger. Grief. Pain, pain, pain. His chest tightened again. "You don't understand me. I have so much...I have so much stuff being weighed on me," he takes a shaky breath, he looks up and Bucky looks like he was willing to listen. He didn't sleep anyways, he knows that. "Bucky, you don't understand my pain. I didn't gave up that shield." 

He could feel the anger rising up again, he pressed his hands together so tightly they hurt "I handed it to a museum. I was trying to do what I thought was right. Right for my family and the image they were going to see." He meets Bucky's steel blue eyes again. Barnes only nods, he stays quiet - waiting for the outburst in this volcano. 

"They told me," he started shaking "they told me I did the good thing by putting the shield in the museum - only then, to be handed by some white bastard!" He raised his voice, he paused "Barnes, America doesn't care about my people. Black people. Did you see what they did to Isaiah?" The way Isaiah's voice broke and seeped with fury. Sam remembered the sadness in his eyes...Bucky only nodded again. He was struggling to understand, sometimes he understood these concepts. Sometimes he didn't. Tonight, he was willing to understand for Sam because Sam; Sam meant everything.