Abnormal Little Me (Completed)

Chapter 87: Can't You Let Me Heal?

Hey guys! It's been such a long time, I know. I only have two weeks left of college and we are starting the finals as of now. Let me tell you that sciences will be the death of me. My last exam is on December 23rd so don't expect any update before that because I am deep into studying (If you did human biology, you can see a bit of influence in this chapter ;) ). I saw that I had some new readers :D Welcome in the family! Enjoy the new chapter and don't forget to vote and comment :) Love you all <3

All over the place is the expression I would use to describe the following week. We had to explain to the entire castle that Rilos and I weren't really fighting and that everything had happened inside our heads. We also notified each province's Alpha and their population about the situation, with the exception of the cause and the result of the spell. I didn't want people to pity me or treat me differently because I had tried to kill myself. I talked to the girls about it. They cried a lot. Coming so close to losing someone they love must have been terrifying for them.
As for Rilos, nothing happened between us. We spent our evenings sitting back to back, talking about trivial things or simply spending it in silence, appreciating each other's presence. He had decided to sleep on the couch unilaterally. I had protested for the sake of it but we both knew that I wasn't ready and that it would hurt him more than anything to be close to me without being allowed to touch me.
Weirdly enough, it wasn't Keeshee who didn't want to be close to him. Every time I was close to him, she would jump in his direction, slamming her own body against the walls which were still as solid as they were in the beginning. I was the one who was scared. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I felt this way. I wish I did. It would help me find a solution. I wasn't supposed to be scared. I had no reason to be and I knew it but it was like my body couldn't help but recoil away from him as soon as he was too close or made a move that my brain interpreted as aggression when, in reality, it was affectionate.
"So it didn't work, uh? Shame. I really thought I would be able to get you to kill yourself."
Shut up. Why do you keep coming after me? Haven't I been through enough? Can't you let me heal? It's the second time you push me to try to end my life. You would have succeeded had it not been for the ones around me.
"Second time? I only remember one instance. The other was Henina's fault and I had almost nothing to do with it. Wait, was it that time Father told me not to poison you anymore? You tried to kill yourself because of that? Damn, Rishka. I knew you were weak but committing suicide for a little poisoning is pushing it far."
So it was you. Figures. And are you saying that you had something to do with Henina's action? I thought she was acting on her own.
"Ah, you'll understand in due time. How's your soul-mate by the way? Still refusing to touch you? Is it because of what I said? You told him, didn't you? Of course you did. Do you think that he keeps remembering that you had another man inside you every time he sees your face? Wouldn't want to touch someone like this either."
It's not him. It's you. It's your fault that my body is scared of him. It always was you fault.
"Come on now, Rishka. You can't keep pushing the responsibilities of your actions onto me. You're the one who drives him away. He'll really end up with someone else if you do this all the time."
You talking to me does not help me heal the scars you've given to me. I'm doing the best I can.
"Your best is not good enough now, is it? And scars aren't the only thing I gave you."
What do you mean? What did you do to me?
"I raped you, remember? Why don't we repeat the experience since you seem to have forgotten about it?"
Hands ghosting over my skin. NO! No, please! I don't want to! My wrists were pinned down. I didn't forget, I swear! Don't hurt me!
"Ask your soul-mate about imposed channels."
I will! Don't rape me! Please! Something pressed against my lips. Soft, warm, inviting. Since when was anything Sadist did considered inviting? I found myself responding despite that. I didn't want to but my body was acting on its own. The sensation left and light came back, defining the forms around me. Rilos was sitting beside me on the bed, his eyes cast to the side and a slight pink hue colouring his cheeks.
"Were you kissing me just now?" I asked sleepily.
"Sorry. It's the only way I found to help you shake off your nightmares," he blurred, contrite.
"It's okay," I said, sitting up. "I prefer you kissing me over having that stupid nightmare."
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Only if you look me in the eyes. Who's the scared one now? Come on, don't be shy. I'm not mad at you."
I sighed seeing that he had no intention of complying. I scooted closer to him and lightly grabbed his chin, turning it towards me. My hands weren't shaking. One point for me. His eyes were still down, tears filling them. My heart broke in a thousand pieces.
"Oh, Rilos. Don't cry, please. I didn't mean to make you sad. I'm sorry."
I dropped my hand but he caught it and placed it back on his face.
"Leave it here," he whispered, rubbing his thumb over it. "I don't know whether I'm crying because I'm relieved or because I'm scared."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Losing you. Sometimes..." He blinked, making the drops of water glide down his face. "Sometimes, you are so deep inside those nightmares that I'm terrified that I won't be able to wake you up."
I kissed him, putting all the hope, trust and love I had inside me into it. The usual sweetness of his lips was a bit spoiled by his tears' saltiness but I could live with it as long as I was able to feel him against me. I finally pulled back.
"Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?" Rilos wondered in a daze. "They are the same colour as bellflowers. Does this mean that I'm allowed to kiss you too?" I nodded and sat on his crossed legs. Still no sign of wanting to run away. He hugged me hard. "I missed you. Stars, Lyra, I missed you so much," he cried, kissing my bare shoulder.
"I missed you too. I was angry, confused and scared, but I missed you above everything else."
"Do you want to tell me about the nightmare?" he asked many deep breaths and tears later. "This one was different, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. It wasn't memories mashed up together. I had a conversation with Sadist. He's the one who was poisoning me all those years ago. He told me to ask you about imposed channels as well."
"Imposed channels?" Rilos froze. "It can't be. Oh the stars, how come I've not noticed that sooner? No wonder you keep hearing him talk to you. I can't believe I have never seen it before. It's so obvious. I'm an idiot!"
"Woah, Rilos, slow down. What is an imposed channel?"
"When two people with strong magical powers have a physical relationship, a telepathic link is stretched between them. It's called 'imposed' because they do not have a say in the matter. It just appears which is why we discourage relations between people like that. You have one with Mikyan because he raped you."
"Well, now that you know what it is, you can make it disappear, right?" I quavered.
"No. Only the death of one side can erase it."