Step-Daddy

Chapter 43

Enough with the sadness.

Harry's point of view.

I never knew such a small thing could have such a huge impact on my life. I was torn in half. Losing a child for me felt like total numbness the first few minutes. It was as if I couldn't believe it. I had hope she would start breathing again. That deteriorated though once I held her up.

As the hours went on, the pain poured in to my chest. I couldn't really handle it. I went and I made a stupid decision. I always knew when I drank because of a personal problem, I let it take me over and it just turned into rage.

I lashed out, out of my control. I wasn't thinking and it really wasn't me speaking from my heart. I felt like it was my fault for not waking her up when I got up to check on her. I still think so, but I've been trying to convince myself It wasn't. Maybe I could've prevented it from happening, I don't know. Either way, I tried to blame it on someone else to make me feel better which ended up me feeling worse for making Mia not wanting me anymore.

At the funeral she let me hold her hand and that made me feel a little lest sad. Not much, but it was comforting. I needed her and I felt like she needed me, too. Otherwise she would have moved away.

No girl I've ever even talked to the wrong way has spoken up to me like she has. I'd never been talked to that way before by a girl I was with sexually and it was new to me. It kind of made me a little angry that she was yelling at me and talking me down. But, I knew I needed it. It good that she wouldn't take shit from anyone. She's stronger than I'd imagined.

I wanted a life with Mia simply because I couldn't imagine it without her. She's just amazing to me. She's an amazing lover and the best mother. She's showed me how to love and care , but now I've put her in severe despair. I couldn't ever apologize enough.

If I told her I wanted another baby with her she would probably smack the hell out of me. I wanted to be a father. I enjoyed it more than anything in the entire universe. I am and will always be a father to Adeline no matter what and I don't want to replace her, but I just want that feeling again. Not now if she wouldn't like to, but soon. First though , she would have to love me again.

After the burial, I asked her to come over and we could have dinner and maybe talk a little. I wanted to know how she feels abut this all. I want her to have someone to talk to like I do. We needed to talk about this situation.

We sat at the table in the dim light eating what I'd asked my cleaning lady to prepare. All she was suppose to do was clean, but she offered to cook the last week while I was alone and sad. I didn't eat for like, two days. I paid her extra.

She knew what had happened, but I didn't talk to her about it in depth. I didn't talk to anyone really about my problems. I only wanted Mia to talk to. I tried with my mother out of desperation, but she only turned it in to her own sobbing story. Everything was about her as it is with me. Everything always had to be about me. That was my problem.

So, tonight I was going to make sure I paid attention and asked about how Mia was feeling. We were still in our clothes from earlier. It was around 7:30 when we sat to eat.

"Thank you for coming." I said, awkwardly. Even though we'd done everything together, I was still nervous and cautious about what came from my mouth. I have been to work in a week. I got drunk three more times since she left and broke everything in the living room. She hadn't asked about the new decor, though. And if she did, I would be honest.