These are all completely real, completely screwed-up things I hear in my day to day life...please send help. / There is cussing toward the middle to the end, so guard your innocent eyes.
[Highest Ranking #167 in Humor as of 9/7/17]
My family is on a road trip. Here are some highlights! * You know it's a road trip with my family when my brother and I go through his card deck - each card has an item on it - and discuss how you could use each item to kill someone. * Mom: *reading speed limit* 55 my TUSHIE! *speeds up*
Dad: *points to a police officer pulling over a speeding car* I think I found someone who disagrees with you.
Mom: Okay, then! *slows down* * My father works for a lock company and stated that they spent millions of dollars shipping air, because when they send safes, the safes are empty. He had previously stated that packaged locks were difficult to ship because of their irregular shape.
Me: Put the locks in the safe!
Dad: ...how would that work, exactly?
Me: You put the locks in, close the door, and lock it. It's not rocket science, Dad.
After a little more...friendly...debate -
Me: Excuse you, I like my idea!
Dad: You can like it all you want, it doesn't make it less dumb. * Me: *to parents* Did one of you put a parental lock on my music or something? Because I'm trying to add this explicit song to my playlist -
Mom: Dad might've.
Dad: Nope. I don't really give a shit about what's in your music. * Dad: Does that say "Nazi company?" Oh, never mind. * Dad: *singing* Everything sucks. * Brother: *singing* My bladder's about to explode. * Dad: We could stop in *twangy Southern accent* Low Bob's Tobacca. *
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
