These are all completely real, completely screwed-up things I hear in my day to day life...please send help. / There is cussing toward the middle to the end, so guard your innocent eyes.
[Highest Ranking #167 in Humor as of 9/7/17]
I recently got the opportunity to attend an extension of Comic-Con!! It was AWESOME. Here are the highlights :)
Performer: *singing Kesha's "Die Young" in Klingon* * Dad: I'm the type of vegan who likes to eat hamburgers smothered in cheese with a glass of milk while slitting the throat of a lamb. * I was wearing a Deadpool shirt.
Deadpool cosplayer: *riding by in a car, points to me* I like your shirt!! * Dad: *on Google* How to divorce your son... * Brother and me: *talking about Skyrim, mentions someone in the game murdering someone else*
Dad: *suddenly* I'm a murderer. What? * Dad: I'm going to go to the bathroom. Don't get abducted. Or if you do, go quietly so as not to disturb others. * This isn't funny so much as FLIPPIN' ADORABLE. ENJOY YOU GUSHY DORKS.
Someone was dressed as this (sorry for the low resolution):
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A little boy (three or four) walked up to then, obviously in awe. The dinosaur reached down hesitantly for a high five, but flinched dramatically away whenever the little boy tried to high five it. Finally, it nervously high fived the child. Then it posed for a picture with the kid where it hovered its open mouth over the kid's head. The little boy just stared up into its fake mouth and giggled like crazy. SO. CUTE. * Only at Comic-Con can you watch Joker playing the drums in "Rock Band" with a look of true concentration. * There were two men selling cookies.
Dad: How much are the cookies?
Man: Only $4.50!
Dad: Woah. Expensive cookies.
Man: *looking at Ash* Do you want a cookie?
Ash: What?
Man: *slapping knees* DO. YOU. WANT. A. COOKIE?!
Ash: Y - yes -
Man: *glancing around* Come on 'round here then.
Dad, Ash, and me: *shuffle in front of the counter*
Man: Take a cookie and run.
Ash: ...What?
Man: TAKE A COOKIE AND RUN.
Ash: *hesitates*
Man: TAKE. A. COOKIE. AND. RUN.
Ash: *grabs cookie*
Dad, Ash, and me: *hurry away in utter confusion* * Me: If your boob gets chopped off, do you just not have a nipple, then?
Ash: I think you have bigger things to worry about if your boob's been chopped off. * Dad: *to me* I have an almost overwhelming urge to lick you in the eye. * Dad: I could get a personal stylist.
Me: That would be a lot of money.
Dad: I'm worth it. * Me: I kinda wanna just go to sleep as my body tries to cope with the fact that it's going to slowly die from starvation. * We were eating dinner at an AMAZING pizza place, with super thick and hearty pizza.
Dad: This pizza is serious.
Brother: This is the pizza that separates girls from women, boys from men. * Dad: You can say whatever you want as long as you don't make any noise or talk at all.
