Finding Martins

Chapter 66

I woke up in my childhood home in Lima, Ohio. The white walls decorated with various pictures of me with my grandparents, with the New Directions, cheerios, my teammates, my performances and Becky, Ash and Hao with their families.

I started looking around. Our house was huge, too huge for just the 3 of us and some helpers. I circled around what had been my safe place for 16 years. The 4 walls that know my deepest darkest secrets. From my thoughts at night to my breakdowns, everything. The only place where I could feel the most like myself.

I jumped up when I heard the door open and shut close. I saw a teenage version of myself run in crying. Maybe about 15 or early 16.

I gently approached her and sat on the bed beside her. I tried to touch her shoulder to make sure she knows that someone was there for her but my hand just went through.

The window to opened causing my head to snap up and 17 year old Santana came rushing in.

"Hey, you okay?"

I watched myself shake my head and throw myself at the older latina.

"I'm so tired Tana. So fucking tired. With the youth team, swimming, gymnastics, the dance lessons, the instruments, glee club and school it's just. I don't wanna do it anymore. Some of them aren't even something I chose to do. It doesn't help that my parents don't support me in the things I wanna do."

Santana sat mini me down on the bed and stroke my hair.

"I know there's something else bothering you. What is it?"

I shook my head and buried my neck deeper into Santana's neck.

"Come one babes, you know you could tell me anything."

"It's just... I've been thinking a lot about it lately... well more than lately and I... I think.... I think I like girls but I don't know. I'm so confused and I' scared cause I know how my parents are gonna react and it's just so much right now. I'm so confused."

I watched Santana grab both of my cheeks to look at her. I stopped rambling and just stared into her chocolate brown eyes.

"... do you... do you want me to help you?"

Mini me looked at mini Santana wide eyed and confused.

"How?"

Santana crashed her lips with mine.

I gasped and woke up.

Santana was the first person I ever kissed and honestly I couldn't have it any other way. Though it was awkward for the both of us at first, with us being the closeted lesbians that we were, but after a week of awkward silences, we eventually talked about it and agreed on the fact that it was just an in the moment thing and we work better as sisters so that phenomenon never happened again.

That was also the day I confirmed to myself that I was indeed, a raging homosexual and that dicks, just were not for me. Have you seen them? Shiiiit. Dabbled on it once, got pregnant, and now never again. Don't see the appeal to it honestly.

I checked the clock on my bedside table and saw that it was 2 in the morning. I looked around the room and decided to just start packing for camp. I entered my walk in closet and started segregating my clothes. As I was grabbing some underwear, a small pride flag caught my attention causing me to smile. I remember when I got that.

We are all in Barcelona right now, the whole family being here for Christmas. I also decided that it would've the best time to come out to them since the r of them were by far the most important person in my life.