trying to feel better

day 168

01.4.21
10:52 am

last night I had a dream with E. he was sleeping over my house and I woke him up in the middle of the night. When we woke up I laid next to him and we began talking about us. He called us friends with benefits except we've never had sex. But I told him I wanted more then that and he said then we should stop talking.

I guess we would talk like flirting and stuff so he suggested we stopped that. I remember in the dream sort of contemplating this. And so I grabbed his hand and told him no. I said I liked us talking but that he could not mention any girls to me or I'd be jealous. He agreed and told me that he sees us together in the future just not now.

I don't know how to really feel about the dream. I love E and would love to have a relationship with him, but it's likes will it ever happen? Will we ever stop running around and finally admit our feelings? Will this ever go away? Like idk but maybe I found my soulmate but he needs time to figure out that I'm his.

I just really don't know what to do anymore.

I want so much for myself in this life. I want to obviously be happy more then anything. But I also want romance and marriage. I want children and a nice house with dogs. I want to feel full. Feel full of life and happiness. I know that'll happen one day but for some reason I want it now.

But I can't rush greatness because that is what my life will be; great!