trying to feel better

day 1009

03.05.23
11:13 pm

I told him I want to talk to him, but I've been avoiding the conversation.

It just breaks my heart. I'm crying because I no longer recognize the person he's become. He was my best friend. Someone I thought I knew so well. And now I look at him and I don't even know him. And that breaks my heart.

It makes me sad cause I miss him, but he is not the person he once was. And I really want to talk to him about everything but I know I'll cry. I'll cry and that's the last thing I want to do; cry in front of him. The conversation I want to have with him is gonna make me super vulnerable and I know I'm not ready for that.

Just the thought of talking to him makes me cry. When I talk to him I want to be able to get everything out. I don't want anything to be left unsaid on my part. And if I cry something is gonna be left out. And I also wanna pray about it. I don't want to say anything that'll hurt him, but I also need my point to get across.

I don't want to feel pressured into having to talk to him. I know I told him that I wanna talk but it needs to be in my time. When I'm ready and I'm not there yet. So I need him to respect that even though it may not seem fair.

I'm gonna write down what I want to say to him.

________________________________
To ______ pt. 2

There's so much to say. I miss you. I miss our friendship and what we had. But that's gone. It's never gonna come back because too much has happened. You've hurt me so much and maybe I've hurt you too.

But you've changed. You're not the person who once was my best friend.

I love you because you're kind and funny. You're compassionate and thoughtful. You make sure everyone feels included. You're an amazing person. With an amazing smile and obnoxious laugh. But I loved you for all those reasons. But as your best friend, I also saw your flaws and still loved you.

But there's been so much that has happened that I don't think we'll be able to go back to what we had. You told me you didn't want a relationship. And I waited for you to be ready. I waited knowing that I probably was not the person you wanted. You made me feel used every time we had sex.

And I constantly told you that and you never changed. You said you would but you didn't. I stuck around hoping that the potential I saw in you would happen. That you'd change for me. But you didn't. You did the complete opposite. ______ you hurt me.

You were supposed to be my best friend. And you broke my heart. You got this new girl and you replaced me. You do the things we used to do with her. I've seen it firsthand. And it breaks my heart because even though we never said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, it felt like we were.

And it hurts that you've just completely disregarded that. I lost my virginity to you. Like how can you make me feel so unimportant to you? After everything that has happened, you make me regret it. And maybe you're mad at me and that's why you've changed with me. But you have nothing to be upset about.

Im the one who was left alone. I'm the one who's been left behind. The heartbroken one. I'm the one who cried. Not you. So you don't get to be mad.

But I forgive you. The point is that I need to let go and move on. This is me letting go and moving on. I thought you'd be in my life forever but maybe it wasn't meant for us. Or maybe we ruined our friendship by trying to be more than friends.

All the things we knew we shouldn't have done are what ruined our friendship. But you strung me along knowing I wasn't the person you'd get into a relationship with and that hurts. A lot.

And I forgive you but it still hurts. I'm trying to let go of the pain but you really hurt me.

But I love you and I pray you have a happy life.

God bless