trying to feel better

day 440

10.05.21
7:56 pm

I just got off the phone with E and once again we're fighting. It's like a constant cycle at this point. Now I'm the one who looks dumb thinking that we were good.

He's an asshole. I hate him!!

He's upset because I confide in someone other then him. He's upset that I look for advice from my girl best friend (we'll call her M). He thinks that M isn't someone I should be looking for advice from. That she's a hypocrite cause she cheats on her boyfriend. My thing is I don't like going to him when there's something wrong between us.

I feel like I want to handle it on my own and then I'll be fine. And we can go back to normal, but instead he wants me to bring it up to him. To talk to him. I AM NOT A CONFRONTATIONAL PERSON. and he doesn't understand that.

I rather deal with my emotions by myself instead of saying something in the moment out of anger. But he's like he can handle it. And my thing is I care too much to hurt him.

I feel like he's being very selfish right now. Like he feels he's the only one who can be upset. That he's the only one who has a reason for acting different. I called him because lately when we speak on the phone he's very dry. Like he doesn't talk to me about anything. So I brought it to his attention.

He's like that he doesn't want to talk to me about certain things anymore cause he's like that I'll run to M and tell her. Yes I've done that before but only when it's about he and I. I've only done it when we've had arguments or when I'm jealous of something.

E says that I assume to much and that I need to take his word on things. I just don't know how to feel about him right now.

This past weekend I went away with friends cause I needed the distraction. Two of my close friends told me that maybe I'm in love with E but won't admit it. They also said that E is the one with the issue not me. And honestly I agree with them now.

He's the one with all the issues. I had let it all go, but he obviously didn't. He's obviously still upset and just doesn't want to talk about it. And I genuinely love to argue with him. Cause at least then I know some part of him cares.

This whole thing has gotten complicated and toxic really fast. He's my best friend and I love him. I just think we need time and space from each other. I think we need to reevaluate the situation. Reevaluate the friendship and make sure we're good again. Cause right now we're not.

We're good but we're not good. Any little thing I do he catches an attitude. Usually Saturday's we have something, but last week I wasn't there since I was away. And this Saturday I might not be there again since I'm sick. He caught an attitude like no surprise you never want to go anyways.

I just don't know what to do. Here's to hoping and praying we can fix this. 🤞🏼