trying to feel better

2 months later

09.10.23
9:25 pm

A lot has happened within these last two months. I've neglected writing but I've been good. I've been content with life. But I've also been extremely busy. I recently started school and I recently got back from a trip.

I went away to an island about a month ago and it was great. It was great, but I missed him. I wish he would've been there. I wish things would've been different and we'd gone on that trip. And he wished the same except I told him he couldn't because he'd made a decision that affected everything and everyone around us.

I will continue to remind him of his greatest mistake. I will let him know every time because she's still his girlfriend and he still wants me around for the physical aspect. But I can't. I refuse to have that guilt on me. To put that shame onto me. I think I'd even feel guilty if he broke up with her.

He told me it wouldn't be my fault, but the flirting and the things we talked about led him astray from her and that's wrong. Doing that makes me a part of the breakup. And I don't want that. I don't even wanna think for a second that I had anything to do with the breakup.

And I know it'll come. I know she isn't the one for him and he does too. But he told me openly that he's basically waiting around and using her. He feels bad for her and he also wants everything she's promised him so it's a lot. But I know they're not meant for each other.

She dulls him. And I've told him that. She minimizes him. She takes his spark away. And God I miss that spark. I miss his light, but it's not there. He's closed off and quiet. He's not funny anymore when she's around. He's not kind anymore. He's different. She made him different.

But the time will come for this lesson to be learned. And he'll realize all he lost because of her, but I think he'll also see everything he's gained as well.

For the first time, I made an effort to talk to his girlfriend. He's away on a trip and it made me realize that if I become her friend then maybe I'd be forced even more to not sleep with her boyfriend. I looked at her a few weeks ago and she looked sad. And the thought of him ever breaking up with her made my heart hurt for her.

Cause I'd feel horrible if he broke up with her. So I'm choosing to turn my cheek. I'm choosing to see the good in her, hoping she'll see the good in me. I'm choosing to be her friend. Not for him, but for me. I don't need more friends, but I also don't want an enemy. I don't want to give her more reason to think badly about me. So I'm done with him.

I told him he and I are friends and he has a girlfriend. And I truly hope he understands where I'm coming from. He keeps holding over my head that I slept with him before when they first started dating and that is why shouldn't I just do it again. And I kept telling him that I didn't think their relationship would last this long. And a few months ago I was a different person.

Now I realize I don't wanna be the other woman. I don't want to ruin someone's relationship. I don't want to be a part of a scandal. I just want everyone to be happy. I wanna be happy. So I need him happy and to forget about me so I can move on. So I can up and leave knowing he's not looking for me. I know he looks for me in her. I know he wants and expects her to be me. But I told him she's not me. She will never be me and that's not fair for him to look for me in her.

She's her own person with her own attributes. She's probably amazing at certain things. And she's probably super supportive. But he won't see any of that if he keeps looking for me. So he's gotta stop. He's got to stop comparing us to them. He's gotta stop trying to find our connection in theirs.

He's gonna ruin his chances of happiness if he can't let me go. I haven't tried with anyone else because I know it won't last right now. Cause I know I'd be looking for parts of him in someone else. So I'm choosing to be single until I can really give someone a fair chance.

I have to be fair with myself. I have to give myself a chance at happiness. No matter how long I have to wait.