trying to feel better

day 434

09.29.21
9:27 pm

I finally spoke with E. I think the issue is that I need to trust him more. I need to take his word for things and not allow my kind to wonder all around. I feel like I don't trust him, but it's not even anything that he's done specifically. There's nothing that has been done that has broken my trust. I think it's just all been in my head and I take things completely out of context.

I allow myself to think he's not telling the truth. I allow myself to believe that he's lying when in reality he probably isn't. He's probably telling me the truth but I'm kind of self sabotaging. And it's something that I have to work on because I'm honestly just lashing out at him. When truthfully maybe he's not to blame.

I think I've been angry at him this whole time because of myself. Cause of my own mind. I've been taking things out of context and allowing my over thinking to get the best of me. And I've risked losing someone truly amazing.

But my other issue that we spoke about was that he gets upset and brushes things off. But when I go to bring it up that's when he finally decides to speak up. And he's right. I need to communicate more with him, but I feel like if I talk to him then he's just going to belittle my feelings. He's going to say I'm childish. Or I'm assuming things and need to trust his word.

I feel like sometimes I can't trust his words cause he's always telling me half truths. He's always only telling me what he wants me to hear. Like just be honest with me and tell me everything. Like I don't get why he feels the need to not say everything.

But we're good. We're good because we have to be. We're good because I no longer want to fight with him. This past almost two weeks have been rough on our friendship. And I just hope we move past this. I just hope that we're good for real this time.

I'm going to try and work on myself. Work on bettering myself so I hopefully can stop self sabotaging everything good in my life.

He's my best friend. We'll always find our way back to each other, eventually.