trying to feel better

day 470

11.04.21
8:27 pm

E and I officially decided that we are gonna stop what we're doing. On my part I feel it's what's best for us right now. We should work on our friendship and making sure that we stay just as friends. I think that's all we can be for each other right now.

Although we are still very flirtatious. We still joke about sexual shit, but we haven't acted on anything. But it feels like we're in complete. Like it feels like there is still so much more for us. I don't really know how to explain it.

I just feel like although we're saying we aren't going to have sex anymore. It almost feels like we probably are. Maybe not right now, but soon. Idk I just have this feeling.

Like it's weird, these past few days whenever he calls me and k don't answer he'll call twice. Usually if I miss his call he won't call again. He'll call once and that's it, but now he calls more then once if I don't pick up the first time.

The other day I kept declining since I was busy and he called me 4 times Lmaooo. I just find that weird. It's something he's never done before. And when we're on the phone we'll literally be talking about nothing. He'll be on Instagram and I'll be watching videos, but we're still on the phone. It's like out of comfort.

We just like being in the phone for the company. But I'll say like I'm gonna go talk to you later and he'll be like why you hanging up. And I love that.

And then last night he called me and he went to get ready to shower. And he took his shirt off on the camera and I saw him bringing his pants down. All I could think was damn I really wanna fuck him.

He said it himself we're always going to be sexually attracted to each other. And the sexual chemistry between us is insane. But we can't. We shouldn't.

I just don't know what to feel at this point. Every time I look at him or see him in person all I can think of is is having sex I swear. I hate it cause I'll be at church and all of a sudden my mind will wonder and be like damn remember when he was balls deep in you LMFAOOO.

It's the worst and I kind of wanna tell him, just to see if maybe it happens to him as well. It's just funny. I think it's also just exciting knowing the things he and I have done. Knowing that he's someone I shouldn't be having sex with makes it even more thrilling.

Especially when we talk to mutual friends who don't know our business. It's exciting, idk how to explain it lol.

That's where we are at right now. I guess I'll tell y'all if anything changes or if we slip up!