trying to feel better

day 1039

04.06.23
12:50 pm

Everything happened so fast. I don't even feel guilty about it. I feel fine. Which makes me feel horrible. I said I'd take it to the grave. This is me taking it to the grave. You are my grave.

We had ___. I won't say it. You can fill in the blank.

I tried to stop him from doing something he'd regret. Except he doesn't regret it. But it makes me feel used almost. He told me it felt like closure to him.

But I didn't need that closure. I was perfectly content and finally learning to be happy on my own. But then that happened and it almost opened a door. A door that should've stayed closed.

He likes his girlfriend. He's happy with her. And then I'm just the best friend. It's like I'm in limbo when it comes to him. I've always felt like a second choice for him. And I told him that. He didn't like how I put it but it's the truth. I've always been his second choice.

When things don't work out with a girl he always ends up coming back to me. If this relationship doesn't work out that's not happening. I can't allow it to happen. I'm tired of making the same mistake and falling back on him because he feels comfortable with me.

Cause it's easier to fight with him than find someone new to fight with. It's easier to believe his lies than learn how someone else lies. It's easier to laugh with him than find something in common and laugh with someone else. He's my comfort person. He's my person.

But things have to be different this time.

I never want to be that girl. I never want to be a home wrecker. But you can't wreck a home that was already broken. Yes, you can. You can break it even more. And it's horrible what I did. What I allowed to happen.

I see his girlfriend and I can't help but laugh. Cause it's like girl he likes you, yes. He reassures you in public, yes. He gives you kisses and holds your hand at church, yes. But he's talking all types of freaking on my phone. He's telling me all the different ways he wants me.

And I just feel bad for her.

BUT THAT'S NOT MY BUSINESS.

I mean it is my business. But I don't want it to be. I don't want to continue to be roped into his messes. He chose her. He chose a relationship with her over me. And I hope he's regretting it. I pray he's regretting it cause he's finally seeing everything I ever was to him. And I hope he understands that with that regret he can do nothing.

He can't break up with her. And he can't have me. He can't have the best of both worlds. That fucked up. He's so self-involved. He's so selfish. He only cares about himself. But I believe him when he says he loves me. When he says he cares about me. When he says there will always be an opening for me.

I believe it. Cause his words be sounding so beautiful. It makes me feel amazing at the moment but then I play it back to myself and I'm like damn. He ain't say shit that was amazing. I asked him if I hadn't been distant and upset would he still be single? He said yes. In a heartbeat, he said he would not be in this relationship.

LIKE DAMN. MOTHERFUCKER BE MY BOYFRIEND.

Isn't that messed up? To think your boyfriend wouldn't be your boyfriend had I been on his dick. I could have easily taken him from you and I still can but I won't. But it feels nice knowing I have that power.

Knowing that the way he feels for me could easily make him fold. He says it was the last time. It was him showing me he still cares physically. But I have a feeling if I was really down I could get him on top of me again.

But that's not gonna happen. Cause I'm not that girl. He cheated once but he won't do it again with me. He can't. I can't. One time didn't matter. But if this were to be a constant affair I don't know what I'd do.

Cause I have to see this girl in person at church. He wants me to be her friend. FUCK THAT. Why would I be friends with some bitch who stole my man?? For him, I'd be her friend. For him, I'd give it a try.

It's just hard. We both still have feelings for each other. We're still super attracted to each other and it's hard to just be friends. But it's easier being just friends compared to what we were. Just being friends doesn't come with the pressure of trying to be more than friends.

It got to a point where it was toxic at times. Where I found myself caring too much and him caring too little. Then I'd stop caring and he'd start caring. And it was this continuous cycle of good and bad. But the bad outweighed the good when it came down to it.

And it was the smallest of things that caused us to fall apart. He still recalls what made him upset in the end. What pushed him to her.

It's just a hard situation and his girlfriend doesn't even know. The bitch doesn't even know she came in and tried stepping on my toes. And because of a lack of communication, I gave him to her. Cause I'm not fighting over no man. Cause I'm not making this a competition.

BUT IF IT WAS! I'd win.