trying to feel better

day 846

11.21.22
12:13 am

* I truly believe this is my most intimate journal entry. These are my most intimate thoughts at this very moment. *

I can't love him in the dark.

I can't be what he needs or wants me to be.
I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore.
It's not fun.
It no longer makes sense.
I feel numb to him.
I feel numb to my feelings. 
I don't love him anymore.
But I don't want to let go of him.
I don't want to see him with anyone else.
I don't want him to move on.
I don't want him to love someone else.

I don't want him to be happy with someone else.
But that's not fair.
None of this shit is fare.
None of it makes sense.
It's confusing.
I'm confused.
We had sex.
Great sex.
Amazing sex.
But I feel empty.
I feel incomplete now.
This is what happens.
Every time.

It's like I leave a piece of myself with him.

I want to leave.
I want to remove him from my life.
But how can I?
He's my best friend.
He's the boy I've experienced life with.
He's my first.
He won't be my last.
But right now that doesn't matter.
I'm not brave enough to walk away.
I'm not brave enough to leave.
I'm scared to leave.
I'm scared to be happy with someone else.

I'm scared there won't be another person.
I'm scared that this is it.
That this is the best it'll get.
When I know that's not true.
I know in my heart that there's someone else.
Someone better.
A better love.
A love that's exciting.
A love that makes me feel alive.
A love that is all consuming.
A love that feels easy.
A love that makes me feel whole.
A love that makes me complete.
A love that makes sense.
A love that will be with me forever.

I just have to be patient.
It's hard.
So fucking hard to be patient.
But I want to wait.
I want that amazing love.
I want to experience everything all over again.
I want to feel like a virgin.

I want it to be my first time again.
But with the right person.
And it will be.
Cause every time is the first time.
When it's the right time.
With the right person.
And it makes me sad.
I want to cry.
Cause I messed everything up so badly.

I made a mess of something that's perfect.
I ruined sex for myself.
Sex is intimate.
Sex is kind.
Sex is love.
Sex is beautiful.
Sex is pleasurable.
Sex is biblical.
Sex is between two people who love one another.
And I've never experienced that before.

I've experienced the complete opposite.
And I can't wait for the day.
The day where I experience perfect sex.
Perfect and intimate love making.
Between myself and my husband.

And if you're smart.
If you're really reading this correctly.
Whoever you are,
you'll understand what I'm truly saying.

For those who understand here it is;
I'm not horny.
I'm not sexually frustrated.
I'm not rushing into sex.
I'm not waiting to get married for sex.
I'm waiting for the one.
The one that is mine.
The one that love me for me.
The one that sees my flaws and loves them.
The one who accepts me.
The one who grows with me.
The one who validates me.
The one who reassures me.
The one who adores me and only me.

The one I love for who they are.
The one that I belong only to them.
The one who's flawed.
The one who's flaws I've accepted.
The one who I adore.
The one I validate.
The one I reassure.
The one God picks for me.

That is what this is truly about.

It's painful giving yourself to someone.
Especially if they're not meant for you.

It hurts knowing what I've ruined.
And maybe you don't agree.
But it breaks my heart when I think of it.
It breaks my heart to think I've had sex.
Meaningless sex.
Harmful sex.
Self ruining sex.
Selfish sex.

I made this bed.
And now I've got to lie in it.
But it still hurts.
But it still makes me wonder where I went wrong.

This level of intimacy is extreme.
And I truly believe it's meant for one person.
And I wish I had continued to wait.
But I didn't.
So now I've got to pick up the pieces.
I've got to put myself back together.
I've got to move on.
I've got to make myself whole again.

It's not gonna be easy.
But I'm willing to make it work.

I'm willing to be the love of my life.
Until the love of my life comes into my life.
I can only love myself right now.
I can't be there for someone when I'm ruined.
I have to be there for myself.
And that's what I'm choosing to do.

I'm choosing myself this time.