trying to feel better

day 494

11.28.21
11:58 pm

the photo translates to; "what I want can't be bought".

E and I have been good. It's been a bit weird I guess transitioning to just friends, but we still have feelings. There's things and moments that we just know we still like each other. And if I'm being honest I think about having sex with him everyday.

It's annoying cause I know that I have to think of him as just a friend, but he's the kid who I lost my virginity to. He's the person that I've been playing this on and off again game with since I was 16 years old.

It's insane to think of everything we've been through. It's incredible how amazing our connection is with each other. We laugh and get angry with each other. But it's like at the end of the day despite all our issues we love and care so much for each other.

Also lately it feels like every time we get into an argument it feels like more then just friend type of fighting. And he always says things or wants to discuss certain things in front of people and it just doesn't make sense cause he was the one who always said to keep our stuff private. He acts very boyfriend like when we're with our parents.

It's been a bit weird with us. Since his birthday he's been very distant. Not calling me as much as he used to. Or if I called him he like either won't pick up or if he does answer it feels like he doesn't want to talk. I just kind of feel like maybe it's all in my head. Cause last week when I saw him he called me mamas and hugged me. I gave him like a cold shoulder. Still hugged him, but just was weird.

Then Saturday I saw him again and kind of expressed my issue. He was like that it's not towards me. He's just bad at talking to people. Friday night I had FaceTimed him with my best friend and he was trying to be cute, but the jealousy in me had to bring something from the past up. Which lead to him hangin up the phone.

I called him back we kind of got into an argument cause he was like oh I was trying to have a cute moment and then you had to make that comment. I then apologized, but then he said I always act different when I'm with my best friend. That pissed me off and I hung up.

I then felt bad and called back and apologized. But that's how we are. We always apologize whenever we're upset or argue. Or when we do get into arguments then just stupid and we move on from them.

Sunday we went out to eat with our families. It was nice. We sat together and he always sits super close to me lol. I saw a TikTok that said guys know exactly what they're doing when they make their thighs touch ours. And E did that Sunday. He also had his hand on my thigh when he was demonstrating something. Also when he laughed he kept leaning on me and putting his head on me.

And this is what I mean when I say there is obviously still feelings. I think he just doesn't know how to express himself or he just doesn't want to because we've decided to stop. But the feelings are there. I'm just scared that when the feelings go away someone else will come into his life. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to handle that, but only God knows.

I guess you could say, I love the kid 🤷🏻‍♀️