01.02.23
11:57 pm
Happy New Year, may this year be a blessing.
He told my best friend that he no longer wants to be in his player phase. He said when we began having sex he realized that his entertaining these girls wasn't fair to me and he was also lying to himself because he likes me not them.
He said he wants to be in a relationship with me. That he wants me but he thinks I don't care except I do. I care but I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't want him to hurt me. I don't think I'd survive that pain. Especially from him.
If we actually got into a relationship and it didn't work out it'd be the end of us. We could no longer come back from that. We'd no longer be able to be friends. We'd lose each other forever.
But this is what I wish I could tell him;
I hear you and I understand what you're saying. But I need you to understand that I'm scared. I don't want to put in the effort and reassure you to have you in the end change your mind.
I'm scared to be vulnerable and give you all of me. I'm terrified of the outcome because you've been so clear from the start that you never wanted a relationship with me. So I'm scared because you've also left me for someone else before. Who's to say it won't happen again?
And I wish he'd understand. But I don't think he would.
But I think on the other hand I want that Christian relationship. That holy and sacred relationship that God gives. I want us to save ourselves for each other. I want us to pray together. I want us to read the Bible together.
All he does is take me farther from God. He's a constant temptation for sex. And I don't want my relationship to be that way. I want it to be innocent. I want us to be intimate in the most innocent ways possible.
And I'm worried he can't give me that.
So I feel stuck. I want more than anything to be in a relationship with him but there's also so much to lose.
So all I can think is does the good outweigh the bad, or does the bad outweigh the good?
Great way to start my new year.
God bless y'all!
YOU ARE READING
trying to feel better
Romancethese are all true thoughts and feelings. they belong to me and I've decided to share them with you. in hopes that i will one day feel better. most of these will be about a boy. and the rest will be about me. please be kind.
