trying to feel better

day 204

02.12.21
11:22 pm

tonight I went on like a double date with E and my best friend and her boyfriend. It was actually great. We all had lots of fun and it was good. But for some insane unknown reason I feel like crying. I feel so sad.

From the moment E left the car I felt this sadness come over me. I'm not sure why but I kind of have an idea. We went out to eat dinner and then we went to a movie.

At dinner obviously E sat next to me and my best friend sat next to her boyfriend. Us girls sat on the inside while the guys sat on the outside. It felt like a double date. And at dinner we began to talk about me and E.

I told him that I get jealous of every girl he talks to and I won't apologize for it. I don't care cause at the end of the day I want him for myself. Even though I'm not ready for a relationship. So anyways then he goes on to say that he just can't see me as more then a friend cause he values our friendship too much.

He said that he doesn't want to lose what we have. That he'd feel terrible if we dated and things ended bad. Then we just wouldn't go back to being the same. I agreed and told him that it's the same thing if we were to have sex. We'd be crossing a line that we wouldn't be able to come back from.

And my best friend even told us. If we crossed that line of having sex cause E and I are very close to crossing that line, but we just wouldn't be able to undo it. We wouldn't be able to go back to being ourselves. Recently me and E have been feeling on each other or being just very sexual. And it's like this tension just building up.

I've never been able to have a relationship cause I easily get bored with the person. I'll stop texting then or talking to them out of nowhere just cause I'm bored. And E asked me tonight; how come you don't get bored of me. And I answered honestly; the friendship and bind that we have keeps me not bored.

And my best friend said I needed someone who kept things spicy and she said E does that for me. Cause she knows how much sexual tension we have. It just sucks tho. It's like I can either have a relationship that may or may not end bad. Or I can keep a friendship. It's confusing. I'm confused.

At the theater me and E sat together. Half way though E had to use the bathroom, but before he got up I went and rubbed his thigh up to his dick. And when he got up he said oh now you feeling freaky. But before the movie began I was saying that I would give him head in the theater and he was getting horny. Which I find so funny  cause I know that I make horny.

But this is just bad. This is going to get us nowhere. I need some advice please.