trying to feel better

day 538

01.12.22
11:45 pm

it isn't what we left behind
that breaks me
it's what we could've built
had we stayed
- rupi kaur

E asked me on a date and I rejected him. I haven't stopped thinking about it because it makes no sense. I've wanted more then anything to hear him ask me that question, but for some reason my mouth said no.

I think part of me knows that if we are to remain friends we simply can't do that by going on dates. The other part of me is scared to take that next step. Then the third part of me kind of thinks I don't really want that anymore.

I think I've become content with the idea of E and I never being able to date. Never being able to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Cause there would just be too many obstáculos. There would be too much at stake and I'm not sure if I really wanna risk it.

But it'd be a dream come true to be his girlfriend, but what if he doesn't make me happy. What if we aren't great together. I'm scared that I've created such a high standard in my mind of what could be that if it happened I'd be disappointed.

That I'd finally realize that I've never loved E himself, but instead have fallen in love with the idea of him. And I don't think that's fair. I don't think it's fair to set unrealistic expectations on him and be disappointed when I realize he's nothing compared to the person I've created in my head.

I'm also afraid I won't meet his expectations. I'm afraid that I won't be a great partner. That I'd be selfish and maybe naive. I'm scared that I won't be everything he's ever wanted.

I just think I've become content and I'm afraid of change. I think why ruin something good. Cause if we take that next step who's to say that it might just ruin things. It might just complicate everything by putting a label on things.

Or maybe I'm just not really ready for a relationship. Maybe I've been creating ideas and expectations of relationships in my head. And truthfully I don't think I'm actually ready to be a girlfriend or like partner. I think I have a lot of inner child healing to do. I have a lot of pain and anger towards E that I have to let go of.

He's hurt me so much in the past by rejecting me time and time again. By constantly putting me second without realizing it. Continuously falling back on me like a plan b that I need to let go of all that stuff.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. What we have is working good for us.

I think these past few months I've been the one who's constantly pushing for a relationship while E has always rejected it. And I think that he's changing his mind and so am I. Except our minds are going in completely different directions. And it sucks. Cause I wish we'd be ready at the same time.

But I just can't deal with the kind of heartbreak that will come if E and I don't work out. I've always said that I could never imagine a life without him in it and I'm scared a relationship will lead to that if it doesn't work out.

I'm confused and scared. I don't wanna lose him.