trying to feel better

day 542

01.17.22
12:39 am

One thing about me is I love love. I think love is so beautiful and can be something truly amazing. I think love is so special and not many find it. I, for example, seem to be obsessed with love but I can't seem to find it.

I don't get it. I don't understand what I could be doing wrong. I almost kind of feel left out. I feel that at my age I should already be in love. That's what everyone around me constantly tells me. I need to be in love. I need to settle down. It frustrates me.

My mom has been on my ass these past few days with her talks about how I need to experience love and sex. And that goes to show how little she knows me. Cause if she truly knew me she'd realize I've experienced both those things and I've gotten my heartbroken. If she knew me then she'd know that my really good friend E isn't just a friend.

But I think that everything I've been through with E sort of has made me not want to experience love. Everything that's happened makes me feel like I don't want love for myself. I want love for everyone around me, but I don't ever think I want to be that vulnerable.

I think I've always hidden a part of myself because I'm afraid I'm not lovable. I'm afraid that nobody will love me for me. Cause I'd rather never experience love than experience the wrong type of love.

I don't think I was made to fall in love. I don't think I'll ever be able to tear down the walls that I've put up around my heart. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that someone will think I'm unlovable. I'm scared someone will think I'm too hard to love. I'm too difficult to love.

Cause I've been told by my parents my entire life that I'm too difficult. That I need to change for someone to love me. That I can't do it all on my own. That nobody will want to be with me.

I've had it marked into my mind and heart that I'm too much of a human to be loved. I'm too imperfect. I'm too flawed. And because of that, I won't ever be loved. So yes, I love love, but I don't think it's for me.

I'm too damaged and I think that's a perspective of myself that I need to change. Cause someone will love me for my flaws. Someone will love how difficult I am. Someone will love how independent I am. Someone will love my company.

I love my parents, but I don't want to be like them when I grow up. I don't want to be anything like my mom. She's amazing and such an incredible woman, but she's hurt my feelings so many times. I don't ever want to hurt my child's feelings.

I know how much shit kids go through and it's like as a parent you shouldn't be adding to that pain. You should be relieving that pain. But my parents have always added to the pain. They've never felt like a safe haven to me. They've never made me feel like I could talk to them about things.

I don't want that for my kids. I want them to feel like I'm the best person they can confide in. I want them to believe in themselves. I want them to know they are worthy of love no matter their flaws or imperfections.