trying to feel better

day 994

02.16.23
3:02 pm

This may be one of my most personal entries. One of the most intimate entries. I've come to realize that these entries become my peace. Being able to write down what I feel in the moment and then later on getting to read it back feels amazing.

It's like a small reminder to never forget what I've felt in the past. How people have made me feel. The emotions I've let go of. The pain and hurt have overcome me but never consumed me. These are all small reminders to be better. To be the best version of myself even when life is kicking me down.

This is for him. The things I will say to him in due time.
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To you:

I forgive you. You made it clear from the start you didn't want a relationship. You weren't ready for a relationship. But I knew in my heart you didn't want a relationship with me. For reasons, I'll never know. For reasons, I'll assume.

Maybe you were ashamed that you were attracted to a bigger girl. Or maybe you didn't think I'd meet the expectations your friends have for you. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I'll never know because you'll never tell me. And if you do tell me I'll just think you're lying cause once a liar always a liar.

You broke my trust and I believe a relationship, of any kind, cannot be founded on no trust. The friendship and connection we once had is gone. We'll never get that back because you've hurt me too many times. But I forgive you.

I forgive you for lying. I forgive you for not being good enough for me. I forgive you for leading me on. I forgive you for making me small as a person. I forgive you for allowing me to give you the one thing I'll never be able to get back, my virginity.

When you love and care for someone you don't hurt them. You don't use them. You don't allow them to be dragged along knowing there's no future. You allowed me to waste so much of my time on you. I gave you everything I had and it still wasn't good enough for you.

I knew you'd break my heart, but I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I wish you the absolute best in life. But I can't be a part of that. Whether this relationship last or not it's not my concern anymore.

I don't know what you expected to happen when you said you had a girlfriend, but I know you thought I wouldn't end our friendship. But I'm not ending it because it ended a long time ago. I'm just doing what's best for me. The same way you are doing what's best for you.

I hope you don't feel my absence from your life. I hope she fulfills my gap, but if she doesn't maybe it'll be a gentle reminder of what not to do. A gentle reminder of what you had and of what you lost. A gentle reminder of the good times.

In the same way, I'm respecting you for choosing her over me. I need you to respect me for choosing myself over you. I love you, but I don't like the person you've become in my life. I will always admit my faults, but you've got to admit to yours. I cannot keep taking the blame for this when you know you played a bigger part than me.

I'll love you always and I'll forever care about you, but I'm choosing myself.
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It's taken a lot out of me to finally try and forgive him. It's taken me tears that I never knew I had. I've cried to God to try and understand how this happened. And God has given me a clear answer. There are doors that He closes and we cannot keep opening them.

God closed this door and I kept going back to open it. I kept running back to the one thing that was destroying me. Destroying me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I jeopardized my relationship with God for some guy. Some guy who in the long run turned out to be probably my biggest mistake.

But that's okay. Cause what matters now is that I've acknowledged what I did wrong and I'm changing to heal my relationship with God. Cause that's truly the only relationship I care about.

God is amazing and I hope that whoever finds this also finds Him.

God bless you!