trying to feel better

day 577

02.23.22
12:03 am

I went away this past weekend. To say it was the best decision ever I've made in a while would be an understatement. It just felt so refreshing being away from home. Being in my best friend's small town made me feel at peace.

I needed to go away. I needed to be away from E and all the realities of my life. It felt good speaking face to face with my friends. Talking to them about what I've been going through.

A close friend who we'll call L told me that I don't hate him cause if I did I'd completely remove him from my life. And she's right. I don't hate E I just want him to suffer. I want him to feel what I felt. I want his heart to hurt the way mine did for so long.

I know it's wrong to wish bad on someone. I know it's not right. But what he did makes me feel disgusted every time I think or look at him. I can't ever be his friend. Cause all I see when I look at him is him fucking this girl and cuddling afterward.

All I see is everything he felt he couldn't give to me being given to her.

But instead, I pray he has a happy life. I pray to God that all his dreams come true. I pray he lives a full life. I pray he's surrounded by love even at his lowest.

Cause I could never wish bad on him. I'd never want him to feel this pain. But I wish he continues to feel the emptiness of my presence. I continue to hope he misses me and sees me in everything he does.

I'm still hurt. Even though I don't think of him as much. Even though I no longer have the urge to call him. I'm still hurting and not over what happened.

It took him 2 weeks to replace me. 2 weeks after he asked me to be his valentine and asked me on a date he found someone else. 3 weeks after we had sex he made love to someone else. So can you see my pain? Can you understand why I'm still hurting?

Cause he doesn't see it. He doesn't understand it. And I can't explain it to him.

Yes, we weren't in a relationship, but it sure feels like he cheated. It feels like he just was lying these past few months. Cause it took 2 weeks. 2 fucking weeks for him to just move on.

It's been 2 months and I'm still hurting. 2 months and I still can't move on. 2 months and I'm still trying to figure out how I feel.

So can you see the difference between him and me? I had real feelings. He didn't. And he's a coward for never admitting that.

So, no I don't hate him, but I don't think I could ever forgive him.