trying to feel better

day 801

10.06.22
11:22 pm

A lot can happen in 9 days. A lot can happen in a week.

The last time I wrote I felt defeated. I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt rejected by the one person I want more than anything. But it's a constant cycle of good and bad. We had a small bump and now I don't know where we stand.

Monday I went to his house to drop something off he asked me to stay. Every bone in my body was praying he'd ask me and when he did my mind yelled NO. But I decided to stay. It was silent at first. Very silent.

Then we began to watch a movie and cuddled a bit. And it felt different. Being next to him no longer made me nervous. Being near him no longer made my heart beat fast. For a split second, I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this is where I realize what he and I have is over.

But it's not. Cause it'll never be over. I think we might be in love with each other. I think we're scared. I think we're waiting for life to take control before we do. It feels like there are so many unsaid words between us and I don't know why.

We stopped the movie so he could shower. He called me into the bathroom to sit and keep him company. I sat and we spoke. Through the shower curtain, he almost confessed his deepest feelings for me.

He told me he feels that he needs to make sure I see that he's prioritizing our friendship. That he puts me first because he's never done what he's done with me with anyone. And that I believe. Yes, he's had sex, but I don't think he's had the sex we've had or experimented with what we've done.

He told me how much he appreciates me and how he missed me. I asked if something happened. He said no just that his eyes are wide open. He said, "you never know what you've got until it's gone and I never want to lose you."

I think I'm in love with him.

I don't know how to explain it, but when I wake up he's the first person on my mind. When I go to sleep he's the last thought that crosses my mind. Throughout the day all I can think of is him. I want to be next to him at all times.

He said if I ever got pregnant by him that he'd marry me. He said it would be an eye-opener and he'd realize how much he loves me. And I told him I'd want him to be the father of my children. But what I wanted to say was, "of course I want you to be my husband."

He's my best friend. And we're getting to a point where things feel different. It almost feels more real. After we spoke in the bathroom. He opened the shower curtain fully nude and we hugged and made out.

Then we continued making out on the sofa. But I told him I didn't want to have sex because I want this to be more than just sex. He said it is more than sex. A man on social media said that when two people constantly get turned in by one another it means they're connected emotionally more than they are physical.

I told him this and he said I don't understand but I've told you already I'm all in. And I hope he's all in. I pray he's all in. Cause I feel like we're meant to be. I don't know how to explain it and I can't guarantee that you'll understand it.

He's my best friend. He's my soul mate. I want all the good and all the bad that comes with this journey. It's molded me and it's molded him. We're so different now. And I'm praying it's only up from here.

🫶🏼