trying to feel better

day 480

11.14.21
10:37 pm

I feel like I've made such a huge mistake. Sharing my virginity with E was such a mistake that I wish I could undo. I've realized now that I only did it thinking it's give me more of him.

Assuming that me giving him what he wanted that I'd get something in return. But I haven't gotten anything but a heartbreak in return. I wanted commitment and he wanted sex. I wanted love and be just wanted head.

I did this to myself if I'm being honest. I knew what I was getting myself into, but I assumed that he'd treat me differently. I thought it'd be different with us because of our history. Cause of how much we care for each other, but if he truly cared he wouldn't have taken my virginity. If he really cared he would've shut me down and told me to keep waiting.

If I'm honest, I only had sex with him in hopes of getting in a relationship with him. I thought okay this is what he wants so maybe it'll seal the deal. But it didn't. It's the opposite. He now knows he can get it whenever he wants so what's the point of committing himself to me.

I fucked up so badly. I did something that I can't take back. But I'm changing my mentality. I believe virginity is a social construct that makes us feel like we have to wait for a special person or special time. Virginity is a mind set and that's my mind set right now. I'm reclaiming my virginity even though that sounds so stupid lmao.

I'm no longer going to allow him to think he can use me for sex. He's always been super respectful about us having sex. And I appreciate that so much, but I wish he would've been respectful to me and pushed me to continue to wait till marriage. Especially if he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted.

I should've continued to wait, but instead I jumped the gun. I assumed I'd get more out of this. But I didn't. I honestly just got the short end of the stick and it's breaking my heart atm.