trying to feel better

day 149

12.14.20
10:27 pm

as I've said many times I am happy with my life. I'm content with everything that happens and I've learned to look past things I cannot control. Things that I cannot change. But lately, for a while now actually, I've been feeling unmotivated. For a really long time I've felt this way. And I think it has a little to do with the whole covid and a lot to do with myself.

My mind and my spirit. I've always naturally been a home body, but I think of what my life would be like if I was motivated to go out. I mean I have dreams and goals. I want to do things and go places, but it's like I feel blocked.

Like I feel stuck and comfortable. Like I don't want to change my routine and maybe that's what keeps me here. I used to go to college but I dropped out because at the time I felt unhappy. I chose my happiness over school. I don't regret my decision at all.

But now I kinda miss that. I see all my friends doing their finals and getting excited about their next semester and I kind of miss that. I'd love to go back to college but I think I'd do it for only 2 years. And I wanna go back but then I realize all the work it'll be to have to apply all over again and that takes the motivation away from me.

So maybe it's that I'm lazy or maybe it's that I'm scared I'll fail. Maybe I'm afraid to go back cause I'll be so far behind from everyone else I know. But I do wanna go back. I just feel tired all the time. I wake up tired even when I get more then enough sleep. It's like I can't get enough sleep.

I'm always just on my phone like doing nothing. And it's like I'm questioning everything I thought I had planned out. I used to plan by entire life when I was younger and then all of a sudden I got a taste of reality and things changed.

Yes I understand that I'm only 20 years old. I understand that I've got my entire life to do things but lately it almost feels like my time is running out. Like there's moments where I'm like man this could it. I could be gone at any moment.

It's just so weird. I just feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do.