trying to feel better

day 394

08.18.21
11:47 pm

I feel as though I'm of convenience to E. I'm always there and always available. Which I shouldn't be. I think me always being there allows him to think that I'll never leave. Or I'll never not be there. I hate it here.

It's like he's always waiting for me to follow him. To go where he goes. He stands up and expects me to follow. He sits and expects me to sit next to him. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of him honestly. He makes me feel confused about myself. He makes me so unaware of who I am when I'm around him. He constantly makes me question how he feels about me.

Like I'll get jealous over something so stupid to me so I decide let me not even bring it up to him. Let me not even tell him because it doesn't matter. Then he asks for me to tell him so I do. And he makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling this way.

Like it's not my fault that I'm jealous of how protective he is of some girl who he used to have a thing with. Who he used to talk to and like. It's not my fault I actually have real genuine feelings for him.

He completely dismissed my feelings and that's exactly why I don't like bringing things up to his attention. I don't like telling him these things because firstly we're not dating. He truly owes me nothing. And secondly I don't want to push him away. He's my best friend.

I want him in my life no matter what. Boyfriend or not. Even if he's only in my life as I friend. As long as I have him by my side I know I'll be fine.

I just hate how much control I give him. And I honestly don't even know why. I'm not in love with him. Yes I care for him, but it just doesn't make any sense. It's like I don't get it.

And I want to make him feel the same way I do, but I truly don't think he cares. I truly don't think his feelings are that strong for me that he's care if I moved on.