trying to feel better

day 222

03.02.21
4:48 pm

I haven't felt motivated to write lately. I've tried to do like daily check ins with myself. To make sure that I'm doing good. Last week was kind of rough. I was feeling very heavy hearted. And I still kind of do but not as much as last week.

I honestly never know what to do when I get into those moods. Into those low moments where I feel so heartbroken. Where I feel so lost and just miserable. I can never say how I feel because I'd rather not have everyone in my business. So I just swallow my feelings and laugh when I'm told to and smile when I need too.

I'm pretty good at faking the happy emotions. Which obviously isn't something that I want to do but I have to. I don't want anyone to know that sometimes I'm literally falling apart on the inside. That sometimes I have to fake it til I make it.

Lately I've been on TikTok and like I've been seeing a lot of what people call "Angel numbers". I don't know what they are and I don't believe in it honestly. But I've also been seeing like the videos of like that my soulmate is coming and that he's someone I know. And there's just a lot of messages that relate to me and E.

Or maybe it's just in my head and I'm making up everything. Maybe I'm just crazy and have made up all the moments me and him have had. Maybe I've just been reading too much into everything and I'm just crazy.

I believe that would be easier. Making all this up would be easier then the reality that I'm living. The fact that E and I are such amazing friends but will never be more then that because we're just plain out scared. I'm scared of losing him and he's scared of losing me.

But if we think about it. Isn't it just worse to ignore the feelings. That fine date other people. Distract ourselves and maybe at some point we'll realize the feelings are gone. Or we continue to try with other people and continue to have zero success because at the end of it all it is with each that we belong.

Either way it's a disaster that we constantly ignore and push to the side. I think i just need a good cry honestly. Just make myself feel everything all at once and I'll be fine.