trying to feel better

day eighty-one

10.05.20
10:25 pm

lately ive been feeling heartbroken. like empty almost. and i know why. at least i know it's my own fault. ive neglected a huge part of my life and pushed it to the side. ive accepted it and yet i still haven't changed in order to improve in the part that i lack.

i keep feeling this loneliness for companionship. like i want a man to call my own but the thought of actually getting a man scares me. ive always been super independent and to think that i want someone scares me. it's something ive never felt more lonely for that type of love.

as you know im literally in love with my best friend. yes i am trying to move on but i can't. im missing his affection. i miss him and yet i see him. its so weird missing someone that you see often. missing someone you've only had and tasted once.

im trying my hardest not to feel this way. i had a horrible dream that he was talking with some girl we knew and i woke up in the worst mood ever. im tired of constantly thinking of him and wanting him. he gives me mixed signals and maybe that's why i just can't get over him.

ive know him since we were 14 and to think that at the age of 20 im madly in love with him. we've never given us a try and maybe we should. maybe we should just try it out and find out. do we work together or not? will we fall in or out of love? will we be happy? will we hate each other at the end? or will it be "right person, wrong timing"?

i just want answers. i mean maybe we're soulmates or maybe we're just not meant to be...