trying to feel better

day 582

02.28.22
4:39 pm

I truly believe I was put on this earth to pour out love. I believe my soul's purpose is to love. And maybe I just don't know how to love myself correctly. Cause I allow myself to be dragged back into situations that I know will more than likely end badly.

E and I are friends again. It's still going to be a journey at least on my end. I'm still very hesitant and doubtful of his intentions. Especially since we had sex yesterday. The same day we talked about everything we also ended up having sex.

That's exactly what I feared. I was scared that if he and I spoke. That if we fixed or tried to fix our friendship we'd end up in bed again. And I genuinely don't know how I feel about it.

I feel like it shouldn't have happened. Or at least not that soon. Obviously, the feelings are there on both ends, but he hurt me. And I told him how I felt replaced. How I felt he put more effort into this girl than he ever did with me. And he grabbed my hand and sincerely apologized.

It felt nice hearing him say sorry and meaning it. It felt good knowing that I got my point across. And I'm not afraid to throw what he did in his face. Cause I'm scared that if I go all in again that I'll get my heart broken again. And I expressed that to him. He grabbed my hand and he pinky promised he's never hurt me again. Except I told him it's inevitable.

It's just a matter of time. And I honestly don't really know what we could do differently this time around. He said we could do it my way. Whatever I want, but I told him I no longer know what I want. Cause I got to a point with E where I didn't even want the labels. I just wanted him.

His company. His presence. Just him and everything that came with it. And I still want that and he wants that too, but what could we possibly do differently the second time around.

Cause we tried it and failed. And now I'm scared to trust him. Now I'm scared to go all in.

My best friend believes I'm simply setting myself up for failure. And I agree. I know that this will more than likely end badly. But there's a small part of me who has hope. A part that has always had hope that we'd find our way back to each other.

I don't understand what it is about him that just constantly pulls me back in. I don't get why I can't let go of him. Why he can't let go of me.

He told me that thinking he lost me forever killed him. And I'm glad it did. I'm glad he missed me. Cause I missed him so much. We missed each other so much.

But if we're really gonna do this we have to change. He needs to make his actions match his words. And he admitted that as well. He said he wants to change cause he knows his actions don't match how he feels.

Cause he knows I've left once and I will not hesitate to leave again. No matter how much it'll hurt me.

I'm kind of happy he felt my absence. I'm glad he got a taste of his own medicine.

But now I no longer know what to do. I feel like I gave in super easily.