trying to feel better

day 1031

03.29.23
12:19 am

I feel so lost. So confused. So guilty. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm way over my head. I can't seem to let go of him. He has a girlfriend but that doesn't seem to matter to me.

Now that we're talking it feels like we're in our own little world. It feels like it's just him and I when we speak and I love it. He went on a trip and he called me the entire time he was there.

On his last night, we had a very long and intense call. I asked him a bunch of questions about his relationship. And I asked him what he really felt for his girlfriend. He likes her but he's not in love with her. I said he'll get there eventually.

But then I asked him if he liked me. He said yes. And it makes me want to cry now. Of course, I like him too. But he has a girlfriend. That changes everything. But not really because we still have that connection.

We're still so physically and emotionally attracted to each other. And we can't seem to let each other go. I keep reminding him he has a girlfriend. But it feels like I'm also reminding myself. I just wanna have sex with him and make him my boyfriend.

But I can't. We can't have sex. We can't continue down this path that we're going because he's gonna end up cheating. He going to end up doing something he'll regret. He can't cheat on her. Thats wrong.

I asked him why her and not me. His answer was one simple phrase; I'm scared. He's scared to lose me. He's scared that if we dated that we'd break up and he'd never have me again in his life. He knows id never speak to him again. And I wouldn't. But I think he's my first love.

I think I'm in love with him. And that's scary.

I don't know what it is but we can't let go of each other. We can't just move on and be happy. A while back I said in one of these journals that I didn't want him and me to get into relationships and then cheat on our partners with each other.

But that's exactly what's happening right now. He cheated. He and I did something over the phone that shouldn't have happened. But I believe an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair. And that's what we're doing.

The cheating has been emotional. He likes me and wants to be intimate with me. I'm scared that we're going to get to the physical part and that can't be taken back. I mean if she found out what would happen?

Would she expose us to the church? Would it become this huge mess? Would my name be slandered? I'm scared that if he cheats she'll do something and I'll be dragged in.

I don't want him to cheat but I also don't want him to leave her for me. I want to advise that if he feels he's gonna cheat then he should break up with her. But I don't want it to sound like I'm telling him to leave her for me.

Cause I don't think that's gonna happen. He and I have just been through too much. We've hurt each other and the damage is done. So I don't know how things will work out for us.

I keep thinking that maybe he'd be different with me. Maybe he wouldn't want to cheat on me. Maybe I'm the one he wants. But I can't think about maybes. I have to think about reality. And the reality is that he is in a relationship. He has a girlfriend. He chose someone else over me.

And that hurt.

I'm just praying to God because I really feel like this is getting messy super fast. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. It's just too much at this point.