trying to feel better

day 558

02.04.22
8:01 pm

My trip was canceled today. There was a huge snowstorm and my bus was canceled. Part of me feels relief and the other part is anxious.

I'm anxious because when I walk into church Sunday I'm hoping and praying that his new girl won't be there. I know God has a plan and he knows what he does, but I'm scared.

I'm scared that this is God's way of testing me. His way of seeing if I'll crack under pressure. I don't wanna crack. I don't wanna lose control. I don't wanna feel sad. I don't wanna feel jealous.

I'm glad E and I haven't spoken. It's been two weeks. The last time we spoke was Sunday, but it was just to clear the air. Just to set the record straight.

Honestly taking a detox from him has been great. I know I'm still talking about him, but I feel like I need to talk about my feelings for him to let them go. I don't think I have any romantic feelings for him anymore.

If I feel jealous of another girl, it's just that I feel replaced. Not that I want to be in that girl's place. Cause I've experienced what E believes love to be. I've experienced his "romantic" side and honestly, he doesn't know shit about love. But neither do I.

All I know is that love may not be easy, but it's not difficult. It's not a constant cycle of good and bad times. It's not constant arguments about the same thing over and over again. It's not saying you'll change or do better and not do it.

I've never experienced love, but what I have experienced with E is something I never want to feel again. I never want to let a man make me second guess myself. I never again will allow a man to walk all over me. Or gaslight me. Or invalidate my feelings. Never again.

E was my best friend before anything and it hurts cause I never would've thought he'd hurt me like this. I thought for me he'd be different. I thought we know each other things will just be amazing. And they were amazing in the beginning. Then somewhere along the way shit got complicated real fast.

But I don't regret anything. Cause I need that heartbreak. I needed that pain to realize that I deserve better. I will never settle for a love that is any less than me. I will never settle for mediocre love.