trying to feel better

day 550

01.26.22
12:30 am

In 9 days I'm going away for the weekend by myself. I'm visiting some friends who live away. I genuinely planned this trip trying to run from my problems.

I'm going to be staying with my best friend and she advised that it's sometimes is good to get away from the situation. She has been super supportive in every decision I've ever made with E, good or bad she was always there. I don't know what I would do without her honestly.

I chose this specific weekend cause before E and I stopped speaking he told me that on this specific Sunday he'll be bringing his new girl to church. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I didn't want to meet her. So instead I bought a bus ticket.

I guess you could say I'm running away. You could say I'm a coward for not wanting to face my problems. But I don't care. I don't want to meet this girl. I'm not ready to be that nice. I have lots of feelings towards E right now, but I just can't be nice to him.

I'm trying to not feel bitter or angry anymore. Last night was a good night and so is tonight. I haven't cried these past two nights and I'm hoping it'll stay this way. Cause I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of feeling everything honestly.

I bought a bus ticket because I'm hoping and praying that going away will be exactly what I need. That I'll be able to move on. I'll be able to feel some sort of healing by being around people I love and people who love me.

I want to heal. I want to move on. But for some reason, the only thought that comes to mind is that E and I will never be friends again. That breaks my heart so much. Cause at one point I thought I could never live without him. And now I have to live without him.

I thought this boy would be in my life forever. That nothing would tear us apart but look at us now. We've completely lost our sense of friendship. The moment we decided to have sex was the moment we threw the friendship away and that makes me sad.

But maybe our friendship was solely meant to teach us both lessons. Maybe we were only meant to be in each other's lives for the time being. I'm a firm believer that people aren't meant to always stay in our lives. That some people are simply meant to teach us lessons. No matter how long those lessons take.

I wish him the absolute best in this life. I pray he lives a successful and full life. He deserves all the good things this world has to offer. I'm happy with the time I go to spend with him. I'm content with how we left things.

I don't know if maybe a month or two down the line he and I can be friends again. All I do know is that if our friendship survives this it truly will never be the same. I feel like such a horrible friend. Almost like I've abandoned him, but I truly cannot continue to put him first. I cannot continue to hurt my own feelings to save his.

If we're meant to be friends then our friendship will survive this. If not then it was fun while it lasted.