trying to feel better

day 560

02.06.22
11:48 pm

I'm fighting the urge to call him right now. I just want to talk to him and tell him exactly how I'm feeling. I want to tell him how much he hurt my feelings. How he's being super selfish by wanting to be friends.

But I want him to continue to suffer. Yesterday I spent most of the day with him doing church stuff and then just having him hang out with my family for a bit. We were in the car and it just felt like he wanted my attention.

He was singing and trying to be funny. I barely paid attention to him cause I just wasn't in the mood for it. I know he misses our friendship. He told me that he thinks about me and he feels like he lowkey did me dirty. Even though he doesn't want to see it that way. He wants to see it as him being honest and not talking to this girl behind my back.

But no matter how you put it, it still hurts. And he continues to apologize. I think he's so sorry because he feels guilty. He knows what he did was wrong. He knows the way he went about it was wrong. I think he feels this way cause he thought him telling me about this girl wouldn't affect our friendship.

Except it did and he didn't see that coming. So he feels guilty and thinks apologizing continuously will change anything. But this is more than just an apology being said. This is me needing to figure out how I feel. This is me needing time and space.

I know it hurts him even though he won't admit it. Today at church he brought a friend with him. It was a girl and she was really nice. But before I even noticed her he came to me and told me that she was just a friend that he promises it's not the girl he's involved with romantically.

He's like my very own fever dream. It's like he puts himself in these awkward positions. There was no need for him to emphasize who this girl was or wasn't. He's so weird. I think it's him trying to "save" my feelings. Or maybe he thinks he's being considerate.

But he's not. He's being annoying. At some point, if he and this girl get serious, I'll have to meet her or see her face to face. But until then it's like he's trying too hard to get me back.

It's weird cause it feels like he's trying to fix this situation by being more open with me. But only time can really fix what's going on.

I'll admit that I miss him. I really do, but it feels good having the upper hand. It feels good having complete control over the entire situation. It's like it's all up to me since I'm the one who's hurt.

In 11 days God willing I'll be going on my trip. I pray that it works out and I pray I come back feeling better.