trying to feel better

day 960

01.11.23
12:18 am

"A wound won't heal if you keep touching it."

I recently heard that phrase and my heart broke. The person told me I can't put a bandaid over the wound and keep checking it. Cause it still won't heal. It needs to dry out and create a new layer of skin.

I can't keep touching him. I can't keep going back to him because I will heal not like that. I will never be able to move on if I keep going back. I'll never be my own person if I continue to fall back on him.

I want to be my own person again. I want to be alright with being alone. I want to be alright with no text or call from him. I don't want to keep checking if he's called or texted. I don't want to keep waiting around for him.

I want to be content in my own presence. I want to be satisfied with myself. I want to feel happy all alone. I want to take care of myself. I want to grow as an individual. I want to grow closer to God.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done.

I want to run away.

This always happens when things feel weird between him and me.

I try and run, but this time there's nowhere to run to so I've got to face the music this time around.

I think the feelings were real. Everything was real. It just wasn't up to the correct standards. This was the first experience for both of us. None of us knew how to do this the right way. We didn't know how to go about things.

And maybe that caused us to ruin something amazing. Our lacking maturity and experience cause us to fight and hurt one another. And in the process, we lost ourselves and each other.

And now we have to be okay with the choices and mistakes that were made. None of us are innocent in this case. We both messed up really badly. We both held back when we shouldn't have.

Our holding back made us ruin each other.

Hiding our feelings caused more heartbreak than I think we could've imagined.

It's been a painful process, but there have also been amazing times. Periods where we almost had a real chance at making this work. I'll never forget this year and a half.

It may not have been the best, but it was definitely for the best.

I'm done touching this wound and I'm finally letting it heal the right way.