trying to feel better

day 992

02.14.23
2:32 am

I don't know how to move on.

I don't know how to let go of this part of my life. How do I just move on from something so traumatic? I don't get how I'm supposed to forget everything that's happened to feel better.

I don't know if I'll ever feel better. It feels like being happy is so far away, but I know it's not. It feels like my person, whoever they may be, will never find me. And I feel stuck.

I feel stuck on him. And I hate it.

I don't like missing him. I don't like thinking about him because I wonder if he feels the same. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he's thinking of me. But then I begin to wonder if he misses her. If he's thinking of her instead of me.

And that makes me feel shitty.

I don't understand how I'm gonna move on. It feels so out of reach. And it's hard. It's like I'm addicted to him and I feel like I'm going to relapse.

I know how dramatic it sounds. But I literally fight the feeling to call or text him. I fight the feeling of loving him. I fight the feeling of caring about what he's doing or who he's doing it with.

It takes everything in me to not call him.

And I'm just angry. I'm frustrated. And I'm hurting still. I feel betrayed. I feel disappointed. And my mom keeps asking why I'm so angry with him and all I can say is he's a liar.

And he is a liar, but what do I tell her? What can I tell her because if she knew everything that has happened she'd be so disappointed. But I know she'd be on my side. I know she'd be so upset with him too.

But I just feel lowkey defeated. I feel like I've lost something, but I know that what I'm doing is what's best for me. I know that no contact with him is the best thing I can do for myself. I know that he and I are not meant to be together. I know God has the right man for me at the right time and I cannot rush the process. Even though I really want to.

I'm just waiting for my turn, but the wound is still fresh. It still hurts a bit and I'm still learning how to heal it. I'm still learning how to move on.

I'm learning how to love myself by myself. I'm learning how to enjoy my own company. I'm learning how to invest in important relationships in my life. I'm learning how to take control of my emotions. I'm learning how to love again.

It's all a process and I'm choosing to trust the process.