trying to feel better

day 702

06.27.22
12:37 am

I just keep digging myself a hole with E. I don't get it. It makes no sense. I truly believe that I think the worst of him time and time again. I think I'm scared to get hurt. I think I'm scared to fully go all in cause the moment I do he'll find someone else.

Because of E, I feel I'm not good enough to be loved. Not good enough to be in a relationship. Not good enough to have someone love me and only me. I feel like love is just not for me. Like I'm not meant to be in love.

Of course, I've felt loved. I feel loved by many people in my life, but I've never felt in love. I've never felt that romantic and intimate love. E makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I don't get how he likes me and wants to have sex with me, but a relationship isn't in the cards.

How can he say he loves and cares for me when he makes me feel so unloved. How can he say he doesn't want to hurt me when all he really does is hurt me. He's the only person that can take me out of bad moods, but he's also the source of all my anger and pain. He's the source of all the confusion.

How can I love someone who makes me feel unloved? How can I care for someone who makes me feel less than? How can I want someone who makes me question everything in my life forever?

I don't get it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe it's been me this whole time. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. There's no future with him. We've been at this for years and nothing has come from it and I'm tired. I'm done. I have no more tears to cry. I have no more of myself to give to him.

I've given him everything I could possibly give him and it's not enough. He sees a future with me, but he doesn't want one with me. He wants to give me everything I've always wanted, but he won't do it. So my only option is to walk away. My only solution is to take him out of life.

I just don't know-how. I love him. I care for him. He's got such a huge piece of my heart. He's so important to me. How could I ever want him out of my life? How will I ever move on?

I don't get it.