trying to feel better

day 526

12.30.21
3:47 pm

He used me for sex. The day we had sex he said he was going out with his guy friends. Turns out he actually went out with a girl.

He went on a fucking date after I gave myself to him.

I hate him. No like I really hate him. This was the final straw for me. This is just insane.

How can you claim to care about me and love me, yet here you are going out with some bitch. He obviously lied cause he knew I wouldn't go to his house. He knew how pissed I'd be, but I wonder if he knew how fucking livid I'd be after finding out we did what we did and he just went out with a girl.

He really did it this time. He really played me out. And I'll give it to him. I believed every word he ever told me. I believed his actions and feelings for me were true. And he took advantage of me. He took advantage of the feelings I have for him.

I don't think there's any coming back from this. I think the damage is done and I just can't trust him at all. I just feel so broken.

I wasted so much time on him. I wasted so much of my energy on him. I gave him excuse after excuse every time he showed me his true colors.

I painted a different picture of him time and time again. But I can't do that anymore.

I don't understand how this could've happened. How could I let this happen. Why was I so blinded and stupid. I knew from the start that he wasn't worth it, but I still went through with everything.

I gave this kid my virginity. That's not something I can get back. He fucked up so bad. He ruined this friendship. I can no longer have him be apart of my life right now.

I need to heal from this pain cause this shit is insane. Never would I have ever thought that he'd break my heart like this. Never did I think that E would be the person who'd lie to me and use me.

It's mind blowing when the person you least expect is the person holding the knife stabbing your back.

I want nothing to do with him. I want all ties connected to him to be cut off. I should tell his mother. She'd be on my side.

I wish I could talk to someone about all of this, but I'm afraid my mom would judge me. She'd judge me for having sex before marriage. She'd say this is the consequences of my actions.

And I agree that these are the consequences. But I just need my mom to hold me and tell me everything's going to alright. Cause right now it feels like it's not going to be alright.

It literally feels like I've been cheated on. I can't believe this.

Hope you all have a happy New Years. Hopefully we'll speak again before the new year, but if not I pray you all have the best year. 🤍