trying to feel better

day 179

01.17.21
9:38 pm

something happened today. E went out with my family and it was nice and cute. Very flirty. Then things began to turn intimate lol. We started feeling on each other under the dinner table and in the car. But when the moment came down to actually doing something when we were alone i choked.

I chickened out and was scared. In the moment I couldn't understand why cause this is something I've always wanted but then it hit me while we drove home.

*trigger warning I guess*

When I was around 11 till 13 or so a man at my church would show me his private part and masturbate in front of me. At the time I honestly did not even know what to do. I was scared and ashamed. I didn't know who to even tell. I've never told anyone this.

But now that I think back to this time in my life I realize now that I should've spoken up. That I shouldn't have dealt with that pain alone. I remember all the nights I'd cry myself to
Sleep. All the times I'd be at church and be scared my mom would leave me alone. I was so weak, but some how this made me strong.

And I didn't realize the true affect this had on me until tonight. Until I was touching E in his private and I felt uncomfortable. I got flash backs and that's why I couldn't do anything with him. And I feel bad cause I stopped and told him I'd never do anything with him. And I know he felt some type of way, but I can't tell him what happened to me. I don't even know how to say it out loud.

I've never said it out loud. I wish I could tell him. I know he'd be accepting and he'd help me through it. But I'm already almost 21 years old. I've had enough time to make my peace with this. And I have but for some reason I have some side effects.

I hope one day I could open up to E so that he could understand why I talk the talk but will never act on any sexual feelings we have for each other. I'm just not there yet. I hope one day I am ready. I hope that day comes soon.