trying to feel better

day 639

04.25.22
10:57 pm

I'm very content with my life right now. Or last I was until yesterday.

As I told y'all E was acting weird the past couple of weeks. We finally cleared the air. He's been going through some things and felt that I was pushing myself away from him. But that doesn't really matter.

Ever since the last time E and I had sex we hadn't hung out alone. We haven't had sex again. Except for yesterday when we did things other than sex.

I don't get why we keep falling into this cycle. This constant conversation of we're not gonna have sex so we can be friends. Then a few weeks later we fall right back.

I want more for myself. I want more than anything to stop being attracted to him but I can't explain what pulls me back. I think it's my own issues that pull me back. I think I like knowing that he wants me in that way. I think I like the feeling of being wanted.

But I know in my heart of hearts that he can never be everything I want. He can never give me the love I deserve. But then he expressed why he has sex with me and I'd never heard him talk like this before. We were talking about love. We were talking about loving people. Romantically and platonically.

He told me he never regrets anything we do because we do it out of love. He said he has sex with me because he loves me. And I'm not saying he's in love with me. I know that completely.

But the love he's expressing he's never expressed before. Of course, we've told each other we love one another. But yesterday it felt like he just needed to remind me.

My relationship with E is something I cherish. It's a connection like no other. I've never met someone that I've been so compatible with. I've never found someone who makes me feel comfortable like he does. Someone who's like him. He's rare in my life and I think that's why I can't let go.

I've told y'all this before; I'm scared of starting over. I'm scared of letting someone in the way I've let E in. He knows me better than anyone else in my life. He's seen me naked multiple times. He's been inside me. And the connection between us is immaculate.

But he doesn't ground me. He makes me feel like I'm on this rollercoaster that doesn't stop. It's never-ending. And at first, it was fun and exciting. At first, it was new and thrilling. But now it's getting old and tiring. Now I'm getting nauseous. I'm getting irritated.

I want this ride to end. Either as friends or as nothing at all. My best friend once told me that there are only two options for him and me; either we become a couple or we leave each other's lives.

I don't know how to move on with him still in my life. I don't know how to find happiness when I'm still hoping he's the one for me.