trying to feel better

day 308

05.29.21
11:36 pm

Last night E and I went on another double date with my best friend. It was really good. Like amazing compared to the last one.

The last one had sort of left me confused and hurt. Almost feeling rejected by him. This time we did dinner and a movie again. At the movie theater I expressed to E my fear of having sex with him. I told him if we have sex I can't just move on. I can't just act like we're friends.

And he told me that we couldn't have sex then cause he doesn't want anything with strings. He doesn't want attachment. He told me he doesn't wanna date me cause he just wants to be having sex with girls with no strings. And he doesn't want to get into a relationship with me and still have that in his system.

He told me wouldn't you rather me get this out of the way now and not cheat on you when we get together. And I told him yeah cause I would fuck him up if he cheated.

I understand where he's coming from, but do I want to hear it hell no. I just want him to hurry up and be this hoe version of himself so me and him can be together.

Cause I've told him that I want to have sex with him. But I kind of want a relationship first. I want us to be together so I'd be having sex with my boyfriend instead of my best friend. Like in the car on our way home he called me his best friend and then corrected himself saying he didn't even know what we were. That it's complicated.

Cause it is. And I think it's always going to be complicated.

In the car when we left the theater E was eating popcorn. And he put his finger towards me like asking for me to lick it. So I did and then he said he was getting hard. Then I did it again and he was like that's fire.

But the look on his face was like as if he wanted to have sex with me right then and there. And I was feeling butterflies in my kitty. I was like shit if I wasn't a virgin or waiting for marriage I'd definitely be fucking him.

But life just doesn't work the way we want it to. So I'll just wait my turn. Wait and see what happens.