trying to feel better

day 370

07.21.21
1:18 pm

The photo translates to; take care of me and I'll take care of you triple.

E told me that our mutual friend likes him. I kind of always knew she still had feelings for him. I guess it's a girl thing. Us females just know when another female likes someone. E was kind of surprised, but I had always told him I knew she liked him. She's always doing little things and saying things that made me realize that.

When he told me I really didn't know how to feel. And I still don't know how to feel honestly. One part of me feels worried. Scared that I might lose him. Scared that what E and her had in the past will come back and just like that he's gone. But another part of me almost doesn't feel worried at all.

I don't want to sound cocky, but I think that what E and I have right now is kind of stable. Like there's girls that like him and try to get his attention, but it's me that has his attention. Cause at the end of the day I'm the one who's been by his side the most throughout this. I'm the one sucking his dick. I'm the one taking care of him.

It's me who has his attention even though we may not text everyday. Or speak everyday. And I think that's why I'm not so worried. I also thinks it's because he's always so open with me. He tells me everything that happens between him and the girls that like him. Until I find out that he's talking to someone seriously, then I'll be worried. I hope that day doesn't come, but I gotta be prepared for it.

E and I finally kind of talked about what happened between us. And he told me really enjoyed it. That he couldn't believe it was my first time ever giving head. I was so glad that he enjoyed it cause I definitely enjoyed it as well.

I feel like there's so much going on in my heart and mind, but it's like I'm not even noticing it. Like my heart feels heavy and my mind feels super stressed. But it's like I'm not actually feeling or going through anything. So it's weird.

I'm almost 21 and I'm really excited for this new chapter. More journey I'm about to embark. My life has turned out completely different from what I ever thought it'd be, but I'm happy. All I ever want to be is happy.